“WHAT – THE – **** – IS – THIS?” is my first memory of conscious AWARENESS (CONSCiOUSNESS), closely followed by an overwhelming and persistent state of fear, anxiety, and confusion.
What I am about to describe is, from a “spiritual” perspective, my first experience of enlightenment. A psychiatrist may interpret these events differently, and so this could also be classed as my first brush with psychosis. My current understanding of reality is that most people are in psychosis, and it is so commonplace that it is “normal” in almost every human being across the world. (The Native American Peoples had a word for this: wetiko.)
Note: The disturbing sensation of psychosis is the awakening process, as the true and authentic SELF (conscious AWARENESS or CONSCiOUSNESS) becomes dominant. Awakening from the “dream state” can feel so overwhelmingly terrifying that most people choose to continue to live in perpetual suffering and misery, rather than confront the nature of reality and BEiNG, and wake up. This is why so few people are enlightened, and why so many people are currently unwell…
As REALiTY is part perception, part interpretation, and is entirely subjective, I shall leave you to decide…
I do not recall exactly how old I was, between 1 and 2 years perhaps. All I know is that I had not developed language skills.
I remember being sat on a settee in the living room of the house I was born in, with an adult sitting next to me, talking at me. At least I think they were talking, because all I recall is what sounded like unintelligible gobbledygook. Hence the lack of language skills, and the rough estimation of my age.
I am confident that this is the moment I achieved conscious AWARENESS or CONSCiOUSNESS for the first time. In that moment, fear and panic set in as my newly formed EGOIC MiND tried to rationalise just what it was witnessing/experiencing for the first time.
I had an overwhelming sense of being isolated and alone. I was terrified, and it left me traumatised.
This is the foundation upon which, all my other memories and experiences have been built upon, so it is not surprising that I have suffered with various, undiagnosed, mental illnesses throughout my life.
Note: The brain is a tool, nothing more, nothing less.
“i AM” consciousness MANiFESTED, and so, as the proverb goes:
“When a STUDENT is ready, the master appears…”
I was finally diagnosed with severe depression in 2011. I hit rock bottom in 2014 and found recovery in 2015. Shortly after that, I “achieved” enlightenment at about 10:28am on the 9th of July 2015.
It has taken me approximately 7 years to make sense of what that awakening, or moment of enlightenment meant, and how to accurately articulate it to those who are still unenlightened.
From that very first moment of CONSCiOUSNESS (aged 1-2), the fear, anxiety and confusion remained. As I grew older, I began to adopt various coping mechanisms and techniques. I, like almost everyone else, distracted myself from my pain and mental suffering. I avoided dealing with the terrifying nature of how I was perceiving and interpreting reality, because everyone else “appeared” to be OK.
My fear emanated from the fact that I perceived myself as alone in this huge, infinite universe, whilst at the same time knowing there was a shadowy presence of “another” that was ever present.
I was unsure which was more terrifying, the fact that I am alone in what appears to be infinite space and time, or that there is something unknown, yet ever present, within my BEiNG. This “other” felt unknowable, yet strangely familiar at the same time, hence the sense of confusion and disorientation, and the constant need for distraction.
There is a subconscious question that goes unanswered, who, or what, is this “other”?
This insistent questioning would ultimately lead to my awakening experience (enlightenment) many years later. That moment of enlightenment would answer the question of who “i” am. Who is “i”?
Because the sense of fear, anxiety and confusion, coupled with overwhelming panic, had been present at the point of my MiNDS EGOIC inception at the age of 1-2, my daily existence felt “normal”. It never occurred to me to seek help, or even admit to someone else what was going on inside my head.
Do not misunderstand me, there have been periods of distraction in my life that have been enjoyable. I have experienced friendship, excitement, joy, laughter, pleasure, happiness, and fun, but there was always an underlying shadow of fear. A fear that at some point these distractions would end, and I would once again be alone. Alone with my own thoughts, and my own feelings. Alone with the “other”, and that aloneness terrified me.
Little did I know that I had entered, but not fully passed through, what some might refer to as “The Dark Night of the Soul”.
Over time the memory of my initial traumatic experience dissipated, but the noise and confusion inside my head remained. A singular question would continue to drive me… WHY? Why is this happening to me? Why am I here?
I became co-dependent in the belief that someone, or something, else had the answer I was looking for. I codependently looked to others for completeness, but I was never able to achieve a connection, or level of intimacy with another person to satisfy my desire long term.
Similarly, I would achieve brief periods of rest bite through various addictions to substances like cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, food/sugar etc. and various process addictions such as work and sex, but the thing I was searching for was vague and illusive. I was working on the misguided premise that the answer was “out there”, when in fact it was right here, inside me, all along.
I now know that what I was searching for was in fact the “i” (consciousness) that exists within all things. The authentic self, the witness, conscious AWARENESS or CONSCiOUSNESS.
The “i” within all things is peace, and this is the innate quality of BEiNG. In finding myself (consciousness), I (CONSCiOUSNESS) would know peace.
How I found my authentic, conscious SELF took me to the very edge of rational thought, inner self knowledge, and an experience beyond the boundaries of possible, and plausible, comprehension.
You will immediately think me “crazy” when I say… I have been to heaven. I have spent the day with the “heavenly father”. In that timeless moment, I experienced a singular (((SHARE)D) CONSCiOUSNESS) otherwise known as [whatever your religion calls it], or from a modern religious perspective, otherwise known as science, the quantum reality of no space and no time, just pure peace and infinite potential (consciousness).
In that moment, I passed through “The Dark Night of the Soul”. I entered the void of the unmanifested and witnessed the end and the beginning of all things.
To do this I deconstructed the quantum paradox and confused my EGOIC MiND so significantly and so dramatically that it could no longer continue to hide the true nature of REALiTY from me.
I achieved enlightenment. “i AM” ENLiGHTENED. “i AM” consciousness MANiFESTED.