I’ve been to my ACA meeting this evening and the meeting was well attended and there were lots of valuable shares. When I was triggered this afternoon I felt powerful, like I had a purpose again and that I was connected to my anger. I also realised that I didn’t want to feel this way, even though it was somehow comfortable in its familiarity.
This does just go to prove that I am still focusing more on what I am projecting others are thinking and feeling, rather than Being concerned about me. I’m letting my hate and anger fester within me and its not doing me any good. My problem is, I don’t know how to reconnect with my feelings, once I begin stuffing them away.
Another positive from this evenings meeting was that there were a couple of guys from some other local ACA meetings there, and I was able to have a chat with them after the meeting. It’s made me feel more relaxed about attending some others meetings too. Fortunately there are a few more within easy reach of where I live.
I would also like to apologise to any visitors of my blog who left comments. I’ve been really disconnected with my blogging recently. If you are kind enough to read this and to leave a comment, I will do my best to engage more with anyone who reaches out to me.
I also realise that I have been way, way, WAY too harsh on myself recently. I’ve been doing a lot of 12 Step reading, particularly the ACA Big Red Book, and its been really tough. Unlike AA, SAA or even CoDA, where your focus is more on ‘you’ and what’s going on inside, ACA brings the whole dysfunctional family sh!te right back to the surface.
I’ve read over 50% of the Big Red Book now. I’m finding it hard to take anymore in right now, but I really can relate to the trait number 8 from the Laundry List:
We became addicted to excitement.
This last week has been really boring. I’ve done lots of recovery based reading, I’ve been to the gym, been to meetings and remained clean and sober. This site/post is also proof that I’ve restored the anonymity of my blog and started journaling again.
I’ve forgotten how good it feels to simply brain dump my thoughts at the end of the day. I’m a little out of practice, but it already feels like its having a positive impact. Having a space where I can simply speak my truth and attempt to make sense of my reality is really, REALLY important.