Not as manic as yesterday, but still an enjoyable and productive day. I’ve felt a bit spaced out again and my speech has been a little jumbled at times. I’ve felt very present and in the moment for most of the day, yet struggled to pay close attention and focus when required, particularly this evening.
I had a couple of hours of quite intense fear and mild paranoia this evening, which may explain the laps in concentration. Fortunately I was at my Wednesday SAA meeting and was able to share on the topic. I received plenty of kindness, reassurance and support after the meeting. It’s reminded me that I don’t just go to meetings to talk about sex addiction, it’s also to share, in a safe space, things that would normally trigger me into isolating, which would eventually lead to me acting out.
TRAUMA > ANXIETY/DEPRESSION > ADDICTION
That said, somehow, even with the negatives this evening, things just feel more real and thus enjoyable. I appear to be developing a stronger sense of self, which is providing both reassurance and a sense of purpose. This in turn is creating a sense of excitement and a feeling of joy for even mundane task. For example; I had to walk into town twice today, the second time I felt rushed, so I decided to consciously practice walking meditation, I soon found my attitude changing and I able to enjoy the moment again, simply appreciating the sky; the clouds; the sun; the bees; the warmth; the breeze etc.
I guess it’s not unsurprising that fear and paranoia occurs at this time, as simply enjoying Being present is a rather unfamiliar state of Being for me. I suspect that it’s my addict/co-dependent preparing me for the typical/’normal’ self sabotaging behaviour to occur. Only time will tell, but it feels like another positive day of progress in recovery today.
I am grateful for all that I am and all that I have.