I’ve been to my Monday night SAA group this evening. I haven’t been for about 4 months, as it’s a large group and my anxiety was just too overwhelming when I started taking the Fluoxetine again.
I managed to get up and complete my basic routine again this morning.
- Get up
I then went for a little walk into town, grabbed a coffee and then decided that I would go and see a movie.
I’d been on social media after breakfast and my anger just came out sideways. I let rip with both barrels and realised that if I didn’t take a step back, someone was going to get hurt and that was probably going to be me.
Doing some step work seemed to close to being around the computer and the temptation to unleash more wrath onto others, as my keyboard terrorist tendencies come out and take over. A film seemed like the perfect distraction and it worked.
When I came out of the cinema I felt much calmer and the need to act was far less. I was content to sit with my previous actions and simply see how things now panned out. In essence I guess I just decided enough was enough and it was now time for me to hand it over.
The meeting this evening seemed like perfect timing to get myself back into a more structured routine and it was just what I needed.
On my way there I could feel the magic beginning to work. I realised that I had nothing to fear. That this was going to be a safe place to be open and vulnerable. I remembered that we are all the same and that it’s our similarities, not our differences that create connections.
I realised that I was fearful of sharing my bottom lines in front of strangers, as I obviously still judge myself on them. With that realisation my shame evaporated.
As I walked into the meeting I saw new faces and familiar faces, but I knew all of them. These were my people. These were messed up, hurt, angry, lonely people. These were sex addicts. I felt like I had come home.
As I sat down and the meeting began I felt the stress and anger disappear. The fake me, the ego or the alter ego that I carry round with me to protect me from the world, it vanished.
It was a step reading this evening and being December it was Step 12. As we did the reading I could almost feel myself having a spiritual awakening. It was subtle but something shifted.
I felt a sense of calm, peace and serenity come over me and as the meeting went on, my energy grew.
As the fear and the anger dropped off, what replaced them was love. I felt safe. I felt understood. I felt accepted.
These things were not directly because of the meeting, but they had triggered a change in perception within me that meant I felt safe, I understood me. I accepted me.
As these new feelings came into my consciousness, I began to feel the connections with everyone in the room begin to grow. It was a truly wonderful feeling and something that I had not felt in many, many months.
There were some newbies in the room and I put myself in their shoes. If i’m feeling apprehensive now, just try to remember how I felt the first time I walked into the room.
A sense of duty and purpose came over me. I need to be honest and I need to share with humility but confidence. This is my life. This is my story and if my experience, strength and hope can help others, then my share also helps me.
I shared my bottom lines, knowing that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Even though there was one female in the room, which was a little strange, but it just made me realise how brave she is, to sit in a room of 25 male sex addicts. Wow! That’s courage right there.
So today feels like I’ve embrace some outer circle behaviours. I seen how my emotions, particularly my anger, can overwhelm me and almost take control of my actions.
I’ve had the presence of mind to take a step back and walk away from potential harmful scenarios. I’ve put myself out of my comfort zone and made the effort seek human contact and best of all, I picked up my 3 month chip this evening.
Today worked. It wasn’t smooth sailing, but I navigated the course and looked after myself.
I’m feeling very grateful for recovery right now and will learn from today in applying Step 12 to everyday life.