JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 16 November 2016

I did it! I finally did it!!

I made the call.

After a few hours of procrastinating I finally thought F*CK IT, picked the phone up, dialled my sponsors number for a last bit of encouragement… and I got the answer phone. I left a message and then though, just get the hell on with it.

I dialled her number and 10 seconds later we’d spoken, she acknowledged my message, we say goodbye. DONE.

I’m free! I’m finally free!!!

When I saw my sponsor this evening, he said, ‘addiction is just like a bad relationship, we know it’s bad for us, but it’s the comfort of familiarity that keeps drawing us back in’.

That is so true.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. It’s like I finally have some self worth and self esteem. It feels so unusually that it actually feels like I’m a bit mental, but I can only assume this is what feeling ‘normal(ish)’ feels like.

Another recovery buddy said to me this evening that I what I was sharing and talking about sounded very sane. He’s got 2+ years of sobriety, so he’s a good person to get some positive feedback from.

I’m going to sit with this for a while now. The last 2-3 months have had life changing moments for my recovery. Firstly; that my old company was voluntarily struck of the register at Companies House and now this.

I became co-dependent on my business as a way of easing the pain of getting out of my relationship.

It’s taken me 6 years to finally say to my ex that I no longer want her in my life.

It took 2 years for me to get my company struck off the register.

I’m finally started to see how my co-dependence has been a major contributing factor towards my stress/anxiety/depression and my OCD/addictive tendencies.

Today was a Step 3 right there:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

I then had a Step 11 moment, as less than 5 minutes after I’d made the phone call, I got an unexpected call from a recovery buddy that I haven’t seen in a while and he was just the person to talk to about what had just happened.

My lesson from today is; sometimes I just have to hand stuff over and say enough is enough. When I do, I get a sign that everything is going to be OK.

It’s as if God was saying, well done. You look after your stuff and I’ll take care of everyone else. I’ve got the plan, you don’t. You keep looking after you and I’ll keep looking after you too, plus I’ll look after everyone else too.

Thanks God. I am truly grateful to be here. I’ll leave it there. Thanks.

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One Reply to “JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 16 November 2016”

  1. Like a warm blanket, familiarity-nurturing or toxic makes a burrow and snuggle in deeper on those cold mornings of uncertainty. I, too, have found it oh, so fucking hard to separate what is good for me and what is good to me. Good morning and be kind to yourself today.

    Liked by 1 person

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