JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 15 November 2016

I see it! I finally see it!!

I’ve spent the last 10 days in bed again, doing not very much and just praying for some recovery and today I finally got some.

I see where my energy is going. I see where my depression is coming from. I understanding a little more about my anger and inability to process it in a meaningful and healthy way.

I’m talking about co-dependency. It’s so deeply rooted within my being that I find it incredibly difficult to get any perspective on it.

Alcohol – simple. I can drink if I want to, as long as I accept the consequences. I don’t like the consequences so I choose not to drink.

Sex addiction is a little more tricky because there are so many facets to it. Having not been in a relationship now for over 2 years, I am uncertain of the consequences of having a loving and health sex life, but I do know that my addiction to porn and masturbation has consequences. I don’t like the consequences so I choose not to act out.

Co-dependency is a frickin’ mine field, but today I have some clarity around boundaries. What they are, why they are needed and when to apply them.

I don’t think this is a coincidence. I believe that having been on medication now for three and a half month, it’s given my brain the time it needed to start chilling out and stop worrying all the time.

I believe I suffer from stress and I’ve always dealt with stress using alcohol and PMO. Continuous stress and abuse of sex and alcohol leads to anxiety which eventually leads to depression.

I’m constantly stress because my co-dependent is always worrying about everyone and everything else and I’m very rarely present enough to worry about myself. When I do worry about myself, I drink and act out, leading to more stress and anxiety…

Because I’ve spent along time in a relationship with someone who was very damaged, I’ve spent a vast amount of time worrying about their well being and I don’t mean in a health, compassionate way.

I’m still carrying around with me the responsibility of the world and when I get the opportunity to act out co-dependently with someone, and by this I mean, take over an run their life because they appear to be incapable of running it themselves. I become emotionally invested in them in a very unhealthy way. If they fail, I fail.

Having sat with these thoughts and feelings for the last week / 10 days now, I see that I actually don’t have any feeling for my ex-girlfriend at all. I was simply being triggered co-dependently.

I have a control drama that continue to replay over and over.

Her control drama is that she’s looking for her dad to protect her.

I avoid looking after myself because others welfare appears to be more important to me than my own.

She avoids taking responsibility for her own life because she’s constantly looking to be rescued.

This is not a good combination. In fact it’s pretty toxic.

The beauty is though, that my ex is still in a relationship with her partner and everything that she talks about is just like what we went through when we were a couple, so I can clearly see that it wasn’t completely my fault now.

Having met up with her again and listened to her story again, but this time with another years recovery under my belt, I can see and hear the similarities.

Naively, I have been suckered back in and have been feeling very co-dependently involved, but today I could finally see the insanity that has been clouding my vision for so long.

This is not my problem. She is not my problem. It’s just like my mate Joe said 6 and a bit years ago when he gave me the courage to actually leave her in the first place. He simply said to me way back then… ‘dude, she’s not you’re problem.’

Hopefully now I can simply let go and let God. I am not responsible for her, only me. I’ve done all that I can and I now choose to not do anymore.

I detach with love.

It was a minor epiphany moment again in therapy today and I could actually feel a shift in my energy as I realised where the leak was and that it didn’t have to be this way.

I’ve been preparing myself for armageddon, as it has always felt like the inevitable is the worst case scenario. Well I’ve finally woken up and realised that this is not my problem.

Jeez this stuff is complicated. Thank goodness for recovery, for the 12 steps and for the fellowship.

I shall be very interested to see how tomorrow works out, given today’s revelation.

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