JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 01 November 2016

Hungry – Maybe, but I don’t feel it because the medication is suppressing my apatite.

Angry – Yes, because I’m part of a culture and a race that thinks it’s OK to exploit our world and each other for profit. No the economy is not the most important thing in the world… life is and that means the air that we breath and the water that we drink. Fools!

Lonely – Possibly, because I don’t feel like anyone gets me. I am the only one hurting from all this stupidity and inequality?

Tired – Definitely, all I want to do is sleep and I can’t be bothered to fight it any more. I know death is the easy way out, but what’s really the point in fighting, if I’m just supporting a system that’s going to kill us all anyway?

I think it was 12:30 when I finally woke up and got out of bed today. I had my therapy session at 15:00 and CoDA at 20:00. I’ve eaten a bowl of porridge for breakfast and a steak, two eggs and a garlic bread for dinner. That’s it.

I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve got no motivation to do anything, I’ve no enthusiasm for life and I feel pissed off that my life is this unmanageable. I’m a living chicken and egg. I don’t want to do anything because I’m too tired and I’m tired because I never do anything. I’ve had to force myself to write this post this evening as I feel like I need to vent some of my frustration and anger.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to try and wake up and make a doctors appointment in the morning, as something is clearly not right. I feel somewhat better being on medication but if anything my life is more unmanageable now than it was before I started taking the Fluoxetine again. I don’t know whether to increase the dose again to the maximum of 60mg or to start taking the Olanzapine again or whether to try a different medication altogether.