JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 29 October 2016

An interesting day of further realisation and revelation.

Firstly, working Step 1 everyday really is helping. I wake up and check-in with myself. Am I OK? Can I get out of bed? Can I eat breakfast and shower etc. Essentially, do I feel as if my life is unmanageable today? If the answer is YES, then acknowledge this and admit the consequences, then do your best to deal with them.

I’ve woken up feeling pretty good today. I felt like I got a decent nights sleep and felt refreshed when I finally decided to get up.

I’ve wanted to communicate with people today. I’ve responded to emails and texts, I’ve done a bit of social media updating and I’ve watched a bit of sport.

One revelation was later on this evening when I felt like I should do the washing up. When I looked inside, I realised that I was doing it out of guilt. My mum had prepared dinner and had also given me some birthday presents from the other day, which I hadn’t opened yet.

I felt guilty at the thought of going up to my room and continuing to work on my computer, so I decided to wash up.

As I began to washing up, I realised that I really didn’t want to be doing it. I had a resentment because I felt like I was being forced to do it, yet it was my decision to do it.

I took a step back for a moment and refocused my attention. I thought to myself, ‘what does it matter what I’m doing, I’m going to always have to be doing something, even when I’m sat doing nothing, what’s the point in viewing my actions as negative’?

Then it clicked. It’s my choice, so I re-framed my perspective and decided to focus my attention on the NOW, on what I was doing and to stop future tripping and feeling resentful that I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. I am doing what I want to do, I’m being present, rather than running from the past or hiding from the future.

My resentment disappeared and I realised that I felt better.

I read a very poignant quote from Eckhart Tolle today. Is said:

Surrender comes when you no longer ask, “Why is this happening to me?”

It reminded me that when I surrender, I accept what is, which stops the incessant chatter in my head. Only then can stillness speak.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it you’re worth it.

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