JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 28 October 2016

I’ve felt rather flat today and I’m putting that down to the day 2 hangover effects. The strange thing is, I don’t feel depressed today. I’m tired and I still feel a little bit sick and hungover from Wednesday night, but there is a level of self-acceptance that’s lifting me up.

As an addict I believe I have a tendency to hold on to my misery and suffering because it feels safe, even though it feels awful. I often question whether I am still depressed or just not strong enough to let go of the old ways of thinking and being that keep me in a place of self loathing.

So today when I questioned myself in the usual way, I had a slightly different response. I actually questioned if I was just bored. That I have become accustomed to not being able to do very much because of my depression, therefore I haven’t really been trying to push myself. In fact when I last pushed myself, I went too far and burnt myself out, so I’m now reluctant to try again.

What I’m beginning to put together is that I may now be caught in a fear cycle, which is stopping me from testing my limits again, so I’m feeling bored and I’m confusing boredom with depression.

I haven’t exercised in almost 3 weeks, because I vastly over did it and wiped myself out, so I’m really reluctant to try again. This I recognise as fear of failure. I need to muster up the courage to try again, this time with more intelligence and wisdom than I had last time. Yeah sure, I might mess up again, but if I don’t try then I’ll never know.

I just happened to catch a news article on Radio 1 today, saying that our society is ill and we need to start talking with each other and not bottling things up or hiding away from truths, especially father and son relationships.

I am truly grateful for all the wonderful people and support that I have in my life now, which was unthinkable two years ago. All I can do is keep working my recovery.

It’s good to be here. Thanks for listening.

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