JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 23 October 2016

It’s gone 4am and I’m not really feeling sleepy. I’m feeling physically tired, but as I didn’t get out of bed until 13:15 today, I’m not really sleepy tired.

I feel quite excitable, but not in a manic way. It feels a bit manic, but I don’t feel crazy, I just feel energetic and it’s quite hard for me to tell the difference, physically.

If this continues for the next week or two I may have to consider making a doctors appointment. Hopefully, if I can make more of an effort to naturally restore my sleep cycle over the next few days then things can get back to ‘normal’.

For the time being I’m not complaining, as I feel pretty good, even if I have felt a bit spaced out today.

I met Richard and Jackie this afternoon for a coffee and felt much more relaxed with them now that they know I’m suffering from depression. I’ve spent so long trying to hide my depression from the world that it’s even difficult for me to acknowledge that I suffer from it. My new daily routine of working Steps 1,2 and 3 is really helping, as it reminds me that I am ill and that I need to be vigilant. I’m not looking for sympathy or an easy ride, it’s just so much simpler when I can be honest with myself and then honest with the people I’m with.

I’ve also sat more with the idea of resentments today. I’m finding it hard to believe that I’ve lived this long and have never really know what resentments are. Emotional intelligence is tough, as there is nothing to compare anything with. It truly is a journey of self discovery. It does help having recovery buddies and a sponsor to guide me. It also makes a huge difference when I stop being an arrogant and grandiose tit and actually listen to the advice that people are offering to me.

I’ve also done some major cleaning up of my blog / online identities. Society is becoming more tolerant and understanding of mental illness, but there is still those who don’t get it.

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