JOURNAL ENTRY: Wednesday 10 August 2016

I feel like a man waiting for something, but it’s been so long now, that I don’t even remember what I’m waiting for. I’m waiting to remember what it is I’m waiting for.

This rhetorical nonsense will drive you insane and that’s what it feels like is happening to me.

I had another little peak behind the vial today, like there was something calling to me again. It feels like insanity, but then if I’m already insane, maybe this is reality calling to me?

This is what happened last time, the experience was so close to what I perceived to be insanity, but it actually turned out to be more real than anything I had ever experienced before. I’m still not sure I have the courage to walk through the gate.

My head hurts and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m ill with something, if it’s the medication or just depression/anxiety. It does feel familiar, but I can’t remember from where. It’s like a merry go round in my head that just keeps spinning and every time I place my attention on it, it just gets worse. I have to actively focus my conscious awareness into my head and bring some calm, which then relieves the pain, so I’m pretty sure it’s not an illness and it’s just the process of thinking too much, even though I’m not actually thinking.

It feels like I’m in a constant state of hypervigilance, which is making me feel really tired. Again, I don’t know if this is the medication or the anxiety or both.

I’ve managed to maintain my self care today. Done a bit of reading of the AA Big Book and been to my Wednesday night meeting of SAA.

I’m tired and ready for bed, which is a good thing, as I’m waking up a bit earlier at the moment too. Hopefully my body clock might be starting to return to a more healthy daylight pattern.

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