As I fell asleep last night I could feel myself slipping away, so it was no surprise that I woke up this morning with a similar sensation of anxiety. I’d lost my connection to my true self.
I knew today was going to be more of a struggle, because I instantly created an expectation for myself that I could get back into the same zone that I achieved yesterday, and that’s the problem. Expectation. The mental projection of a possible and desirable future, which removes me from the moment, thus denying me of the potential to achieve that future.
So this was my test for the day. Not to achieve that same sense of inner calm and peace, but to manage my feelings of fear, anxiety and disconnection from crippling me for the day.
I’ve not felt depressed today, but I’ve felt trapped inside my head. I’ve not really been able to feel anything today. My chest has felt like there is a weight on it and my head has a sensation of pressure.
I’ve meditated twice, once first thing this morning for 20 minutes straight after breakfast and then again later on after lunch for an hour. Whilst I felt pretty present during both session, I could tell that my head wasn’t going to relinquish control. Whatever happened yesterday wasn’t destined to remain into today, nor was I going to be capable of breaking through the fog of metal depression.
I think that was the point though. I’ve become complacent over the last few weeks, maybe even longer. I’m not sure I’ve ever got back into the zone like I did yesterday, since the end of last year. Today was a opportunity to practice acceptance and patience.
It’s not like today has been an unproductive day. I’ve done plenty of reading around Step 1 for co-dependency, I’ve spoke with my sponsor and a couple of friends. I’ve eaten healthily, taken some time out to listen to some more of Zen and the Art of Motor Cycle Maintenance and I’m writing this.
I think today is also an opportunity to practice gratitude. It can be all too easy for me to fall into self-pity and believe that nothing has changed from two years ago, but the truth is, I’ve got a phone full of contacts that I can ring whenever I need to, even though I should probably make way more of an effort to utilise that list. I’ve actually made friends with people from that list and speak to people on a pretty regular basis. I’ve got way more experience of living a more balanced life and doing the right (healthy) things, and I’ve got some pretty good sobriety.
I’m at a loss as to where my connection with self went as I fell asleep last night, but today has been more than manageable and tomorrow is an opportunity to get up and try again, one day at a time.