JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 05 August 2016

I woke up with what felt like near crippling anxiety this morning. I tried to remain calm as I lay in bed, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling. I got up and went for a pee and then got back into bed and continued listening to the audio book ‘Zen and the Art of Motor Cycle Maintenance’ that I had started listening to last night.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

After about an hour I got up and had some breakfast. Still feeling highly anxious I decided to force myself to meditate. I’m on day 5 of the Headspace anxiety pack. It uses the noting technique to create a new relationship with the feelings and thoughts associated with anxiety.

About 10-15 minutes in something clicked. I realised that I AM the choice that I choose to be, my intention suddenly shifted from my mind to my sense awareness. As I witnessed this shift I realised who I AM again. I had broken free from my mind identification and my egoistic thoughts. A sudden wave of stillness came over me and I felt calm and peaceful again. I mean I really FELT calm and peaceful, not a mind generated illusion, but a genuine feeling of serenity.

As I finished the meditation I realised that the meditation hadn’t finished, that I was now able to maintain a meditative state without thinking about it, in fact that’s the point. Don’t think, simply be.

I’m not sure if this is the positive effects of the medication already kicking in, or simply the power of my intention to get better. Whatever it is, something fundamentally changed within me today during my mediation process.

I’ve remained mindful all day, paying attention to my actions and doing my best to witness my thoughts, even though my mind has been almost completely free of thought today. I’ve nurture this sense or feeling of contentment within me all day and it has slowly transformed this evening into a state of LOVE.

I’ve put my attention to good use today and have written my Alcoholics Anonymous Step 1. That process in and of itself has been far more enriching than I thought it would be. I intended to start my CoDA Step 1, but something told me to begin with AA. I feel that the AA Step 1 will now benefit my CoDA Step 1, as it’s made me realise how much shame, denial and avoidance went into my drinking.

I was completely out of control most of the time. I had forgotten how obsessed I was with getting drunk. I used it to run away from all the fear, anxiety, depression and paranoia that I was feeling deep down. I also started to realise that even by believing that I am OK to drink alcohol, I automatically enable my sense of entitlement, which then leads to my addiction creeping out in other area like food and co-dependent fantasy.

I had completely lost my sense of vigilance and had once again become utterly complacent about my Being. I do not like feeling depressed and I do not like suffering from depression, so why would I choose to continue either of those states of existence?

The answer is, I wouldn’t and now I’ve realised that I have fallen back into old habits, it’s time to once again rid myself of these useless and self-defeating behaviours.

The choice to go back onto medication is not one that I have taken likely. I’ve waiting 7 months before committing to this course of action, so now that I have chosen this path, the obvious thing to do is accept it without reservation and support it without hesitation. This means accepting my commitment to my own wellness, which in turn means doing the right thing.

Alcohol is not good for me for three reasons:

  1. It contains alcohol – alcohol kills brain cells, thus a seemingly illogical choice if I wish to maintain and develop a healthy brain and mind.
  2. It contains sugar – sugar interferes with my blood sugar levels and lowers my energy vibrations, it’s also an addictive substance that increases my desire for more, more, more.
  3. It lowers my inhibitions and my social, ethical and moral boundaries and increases my sense of entitlement – entitlement, mixed in with sugar makes me feel like I deserve more, more, more, which reinforces my desire for more, more, more.

When 2 and 3 above get together they become cyclical and self defeating. I eventually start using other addictions to continuously manage my mood and then BOOM, I’m no longer present and I’m left wondering where did I go and how did that happen?

As I write this now I’m feeling quietly confident. I’ve got no mental chatter going, I feel calm, relax and contented. I once again feel like I have no want or desire and that I can take comfort in the fact that life wants to keep me alive, so when I need something, life will show me how I can meet my needs.

I even had the urge this evening to spontaneously send Reiki to my mother. It’s the first time that I’ve properly felt the energy flowing through me and she immediately felt it too. I was able to increase the flow and we both felt it. A very welcome and exciting experience to be sure.

Maybe The Force is real?

What is absolutely undeniable is that something about me has changed today and that change took place almost instantaneously, as soon as I became fully conscious and self-aware during my meditation.

I can’t entirely explain how it happened, only that is has happened. On Wednesday I spent the day writing my Step 2. Yesterday I committed to my Step 3.

I realised yesterday, that if I seriously want to change, I must be the change that I choose to see in the world.

I AM the change I choose to B|C in the world.

Today it feels like that change took a BIG step forward.

All my desires have evaporated. My fear of people and of economic insecurity has left me. It’s as if my Higher Power is doing for me, what I could not do for myself.

It’s as if the promises have come true and I’m not even half way though.

If you’ve reading this and you’ve got this far, thank you kindly for stopping by. I’d like you to know that I have a genuine and heart felt appreciation for you taking the time to read my story today.

May The Force (aka LOVE) be with you, always. xXx

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