JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 04 August 2016

Not a great day today. I’m starting to feel the effects of the medication, so I’ve been feeling a little spaced out, quite anxious and depressed.

I’ve also been entertaining my internal monologue that I’m being weak for going back on medication. I know this is irrational and that it’s mostly the depression talking, trying to keep me ill, but I’ve really struggled to quieten my mind today.

I’ve kept myself entertained by watching a few movies. I started off with Batman v Superman – Ultimate Edition, which was just as disappointing as the cinematic version.

Realising that I needed something a little more inspiration. I decided to put on I AM. It was really uplifting and I can highly recommend it. It helped remind me that society is sick and that many, many people are unknowingly sick with a mental illness that is actively promoted by our religions, politics, media’s, economies and most other social structures and systems. It reminded me that when I become complacent and allow myself to listen to what society and other sick people tell me, rather than keeping my attention on my own innate sense of Being, I become subconsciously discontent, because I have allowed myself to get suckered into the lie that I do not have enough. This disconnection from myself creates an irrational sense of fear that I cannot satisfy with ‘things’, but then that is the trick of consumerism, more, more, more.

I then watched An Inconvenient Truth, which was interesting. Maybe not the best thing to watch in a state of depression, as it kind of reinforces my pessimistic view of the world, but I must admit, I admire Al Gore for his persistence. Even if global warming doesn’t turn into the crisis that he predicts, his unwavering belief and dedication is worthy of recognition and praise.

Finally I turned to The Peaceful Warrior to finish off my movie marathon. I was impressed at how true it had remained to the book. Sure there were bits missing, but the general idea, I thought, was well presented and conveyed. The cinematography was surprisingly close to how I had pictured events from the book within my own mind.

It is my personal opinion that Socrates is a fictional character. More specifically, that a zen master exists within us all and that Socrates is a metaphor for the zen master than Dan Millman nurtured within himself. I believe that the trick is to find the gap where zen exists and then I can intentionally expand my conscious awareness into that gap. I can get often get lost when I begin to think of mystics, gurus and zen masters that exists ‘out there’. When I change my perception and listen to the message that books/films like The Peaceful Warrior tell me, I bring my attention back to the fact that all things exists within me and therefore all answers exists within me as well. This sudden increase in self awareness returns me to the sense of innate calm and peace, which I now recognise as something completely different from the absence of feeling, which is how I feel when I am feeling depressed.

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