JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 01 August 2016

Having a few days away last week has had the opposite effect that I thought it would have, because today I made an appointment to see the doctor and asked to be prescribed Fluoxetine again.

I seem to have become confused. I’ve confused my ‘not feeling’ with feeling calm and peaceful. I’ve become increasingly aware over the last few weeks that I am no longer able to feel my emotions. I’ve become a prisoner inside my own head again and that means I start to cohort with a known lunatic, which is not good.

So almost one year on, I’m almost back where I was, only a bit further back, as well as a bit further forward.

Someone pointed out to me recently that there is a difference between suffering from depression and being depressed. I get that. I don’t feel depressed, but I am suffering from depression. I can function, mostly, but I find little to no joy in living.

I think I’ve done pretty well to last 7 months, given that I went to the doctor in early January and asked to go back onto medication then. It’s been an interesting 7 months, and I’ve learnt a lot, but at the same time, all that learning is irrelevant, as I seem incapable of regulating my emotions in a healthy and consistent way.

Part of me feels like I’ve given in and opted to take the easy route, but there is another part of me that feels pleased that I have recognised the signs as early as I have, tried my best and then had the courage to admit that I need a little extra help.

I’ve learnt a lot about self-esteem recently, but most importantly, what I’ve learnt about self-esteem is that I cannot generate it for myself.

My brain is hard wired into it’s default position of ‘you’re a useless twat’, and given long enough, I will slowly convince myself that this is true, which I have now successfully done.

What I’m hoping for this time around, is to stay on medication long enough to rebuild my life and thus rebuild the neural pathways that generate healthy and consistent thoughts, feeling and behaviours.

I’m pretty good at all three, but I just seem to lack the ability to get myself over the line and stay there. I get periods of contentment and confidence, but they do not last. Some may say that this is normal, but I know that I am my own worst enemy.

My innate lack of confidence, self-esteem and self-worth is ever present, hence it being innate. I struggle to trust my own experience and get lost in my over analytical mind. My OCD perfectionism wins out, each and every time, eventually and because I cannot live up to my perfect expectation, eventually my confidence takes a knock, which in turn depletes my self-esteem and self-worth.

What’s more, I’ve taken almost two years off work and I still feel completely knackered. It’s like I just don’t know how to shut off. My brain is always working and my body is always tense, which means the only thing I tend to feel is tiredness.

I scored 18 on the NHS depression test today, which means I’m at the top end of the ‘moderately depressed’ scale, which is a good thing, because it means I’ve caught myself before I entered into a severe depression, which may or may not have happened.

The bit I’m most confused about is that I’m doing everything that I can think off, right. I’ve meditated for 111 days straight. I eat mostly vegetarian food, with chicken and fish when needed. I’ve been exercising. My addictions are way better than they ever have been. I’m making new friendships and doing more sociable things. I continue to see my therapist. I mean, there isn’t much more that I could be doing, apart from getting a job.

Yet I feel disconnected from myself, the world and the universe. I’m sad but cannot cry. I’m happy but cannot laugh. I have clarity but I’m confused.

I’ve tried. Now I’m content to just see what effect the medication has. At least this time I will know for sure. If my sense of self-love and self-worth starts to increase over the next few months, then I know that I’m incapable of loving myself, without medical assistance. At least then I can adjust my life accordingly.

Oh well, here we go again 🙂

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