Today has been a hugely insightful day into my co-dependency recovery.
I meet weekly for coffee with members of my local political party. I go more for the company rather than politics and it’s been a good excuse to get me out of the house when I’ve had nothing else to do.
Anyway, today was the day of our AGM and it was my duty as vice-chair to chair the meeting, as the incumbent chair decided to step down due to ill health. Some of us also met for coffee this morning, as per usual.
I arrived a bit later than others to the coffee morning, which actually turned out to be a blessing. As I sat down with my coffee I began to sense that something was wrong. The secretary and the treasurer had had a big falling out and both of them were talking about leaving the party if the other didn’t bend to the others will.
This was quite obviously an ego disagreement and to cut a long story short, basically both the secretary and the treasurer were trying to achieve the same result, but both had gone about it in their own way. Essentially the motivation was the same, but the methods were different and people were starting to overstep boundaries.
I could immediately hear my co-dependent voice screaming at me in the background to get involved, so I kept my mouth shut, sat back and listened and then I continued to listen.
My co-dependent kept talking, so I kept listening, both to what was going on around me and what was going on inside me. It was fascinating.
As the morning progressed I realised that my co-dependent was looking for ways to take control of the situation and to try and appease all parties. Thankfully my true self was content to let go and to admit that this was not my problem. I had not caused this problem, it did not directly involve me, thus I did not need to own it and/or resolve it.
My co-dependent was shouting at me to stand up and say that I would do one of the roles in order to try and resolve the situation, because the secretary had said he would not work with the treasurer if he became chair and the treasurer became the secretary.
It was a ridiculous and rather infantile disagreement, but my co-dependent was desperate to try and resolve the situation. I continued to be silent and just witness the moment unfolding with awareness.
When the coffee morning ended I realised that I hadn’t needlessly entangled myself in a situation that did not require my involvement and I felt great!
In the past I would have stepped in and put myself out, which would have almost immediately lead to a huge sense of resentment within me, and may well have caused other secondary consequences, such as low mood/self-esteem, anger, disappointment and other negative inwardly facing emotions such as depression. If these were left unchecked, this is where the triggers for drinking and acting out would eventually come from.
It was such a wonderful realisation, because with it came this new found sense of freedom. I had once again found my own inner voice. The voice of my true self, or more accurately put, I had witnessed my co-dependent voice and been able to find serenity within my inner stillness. In my experience my true self does not speak in the same way that the egoic mind speaks. My true self talks through intuition and intention and the clues for these can only be found within the silence of the inner stillness.