JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 17 May 2016

I’ve been let down gently today. I woke up feeling in a similar state of mind as to that which I went to sleep and I found myself praying for it to last for the rest of today. I did this because usually, when I feel good, I ask for another challenge or invite some more suffering to deal with, but today I just wanted the serenity to last.

When I saw my therapist earlier, during the discussion, she asked me how I was feeling, as she noticed that my breathing was shallow and although my voice sounded calm and collected, she said she could sense an underlying tension. I said I felt calm, but soon began to realise that this was an illusion that I was desperately trying to hold on to. It was the mood that I had prayed to last for the day. It was real, but I wanted it to be real.

I began to realise that underneath the superficial exterior presentation there is indeed fear, anxiety and loneliness. I’m so well rehearsed at putting on a smile and acting cheery when I feel ‘OK’, that I actually become detached from my true self.

My true self is still in its infancy and does not yet know how to present itself to the world, so I continue to hide behind my alter-egoic state, that of happy smiley Dan that likes to believe I am peaceful and calm.

I’m starting to see through the illusion that I create for myself and for others. I am still surrounded by the tunnel, but occasionally I am able to manifest a little bit of light and during those moments I don’t feel so lost. The challenge is though, that when I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I then have a tendency to switch between true self and egoic state, because I guess at some level they are quite similar and it’s not always easy to identify with the real me. My egoic mind is very clever at keeping itself at the top of the food chain.

However, because I was half expecting this from my therapy session today, the realisation that I was deluding myself didn’t come as the earth shattering shock that it used to be. I was able to calmly see the underlying discomfort that existed and I was also able to see the conflict that exists between the egoic mind and my true Being.

There was a brief moment where I ‘spaced out’, but I was quickly able to ground myself and to see the truth for what it was. As I’ve continued with my day today, things have continued to become clearer.

When I got home from therapy I made myself some dinner and then went and meditated for an hour. I was interested to just sit with myself and explore the conflict within. I didn’t break through the veil, but it was beneficial to just be in a quiet space within myself for a while and watch what was going on. The more I meditate the more genuine I begin to feel.

This evening I’ve been to my Tuesday night Co-DA meeting and I was able to share some of my confusion over my unknown feelings in a safe environment.

Whilst there isn’t much going on in my life at the moment, there is a lot to deal with, as I’m just beginning to process things at a level of emotional awareness that I’ve never experienced before. For me this truly is the undiscovered country.

It feels like I have a long road ahead of me, but that it’s a road worth travelling.

I’m also starting to see the difference between other esteem and self-esteem. Whilst I’m still not 100% sure how to generate self-esteem and how to maintain it, I am starting to understand what other esteem looks like and how to distinguish between the two. It’s becoming clearer to me why my moods are so erratic and why I can’t depend on how I’m feeling to last and this is because I draw on my esteem from other things and people.

Now that I see this difference I can begin to learn to not attach myself to other esteem and to sit and watch myself during the darker moments, so that I can begin to more fully understand this elusive self-esteem.

I spent most of my life running and hiding from pain, discomfort and suffering and now I am actively inviting it. Every time I go through this cycle of pain and realisation I feel, ever so slightly, a sense of strength growing within me. Back at the beginning of the year I was in a state of absolute despair, but now when these periods of low mood, low self-esteem and low self worth come to the forefront of my consciousness, it somehow doesn’t feel quite so bad. I can only put this down to an increase in my inner strength.

It is my intention to break free from this bondage and suffering but I fear that in order to do this I must become the very embodiment of fear and suffering. I’m no longer sure what the future holds for me, but whatever it is, I welcome it.

 

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