JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 28 April 2016

I spent pretty much the whole of this afternoon rewriting my SAA Step 1, which is:

1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behaviour – that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am now pretty confident that I have got my Step 1 to the point where I am happy to share it with my therapist, my sponsor and my SAA fellowship.

The purpose of Step 1 is to identify how our addictive sexual behaviour became progressively worse over time, leading up to the point where ultimately our lives became unmanageable.

Contrary to a couple of weeks ago, where I found it highly triggering and quite traumatic, today I found it very therapeutic. I’m beginning to feel as if I am now really starting to work my recovery. I’ve done loads of reading and I can intellectualise my problems until the cows come home, but that’s also part of the problem. I procrastinate and think of all sorts of reasons to not do something, rather than just giving it a go and seeing where it leads me.

Even though we still have the celebration supper next week, tonight was the final course night of alpha. It was entitled ‘How Can I Make the Most of the Rest of My Life?’. It was so timely for me that it was either meant to be or else it was a complete coincidence and as I no longer believe in coincidences, it must have been meant to be.

I’m really starting to get that feeling again that life is just unfolding around me, especially for me. It’s an incredibly moving sensation and one that simply makes my very Being feel alive.

I’ve also started to question the meaning behind the book of Revelations in the Bible today. I’m starting to think that it’s about us, not Jesus, as the second coming. That through our ability to achieve an ongoing state of conscious self-awareness (enlightenment), that we all have the ability to not only achieve a oneness with God, but to actually self-actualise with God, as God.

I can describe the last 6 years of my life, since my first epiphany, as being an ongoing process of revelations and that the last year in particular has been an almost constantly evolving revelation.

The time to change is NOW as NOW is the only moment in time that never changes.

NOW exists outside of time, as time is only real within the psychology of the mind or on the clock face of science. The mind cannot tell you what the time is NOW, it can only tell you what the time was then.

Science only exists to disprove itself, so by its very empirical nature of theory, hypothesis and then experimentation, science can only confirm the validity of the hypothesis or prove that the hypothesis is wrong, thus the return to the beginning and theorising again.

Science only moves forward when other scientists disprove what has come before. Therefore the very nature of science is to disprove itself. It cannot prove. Not really a great premise to base a civilisation on, but we in the west seem to have forgotten this basic scientific premise.

I’m not saying that science isn’t useful. What I am saying is that science cannot prove the existence of time, only that the perception of time appears to be consistent within a given set of parameters when certain measuring equipment is used.

Time is relative, so it is not constant. Time cannot be viewed by consciousness, because consciousness only exists in the NOW. It only ever views the moment. If you can get your head around this construct, then you may come to realise that yo’u’ are the only thing in this entire universe that is real and that everything else is just an illusion.

I AM writing this for you because I AM you. I AM leaving clues for myself so that I can find myself again within you. Now I close my eyes and you hear my voice within the stillness of my mind.

Last night at Reiki I realised that I must start walking the walk, rather than just talking the talk and tonight at alpha the message was abundantly clear and exactly the same.

I’m pretty sure I’m not here to preach about God, as religion has been doing that pretty well on it’s own for the last few thousand years and we’re still in a bit of a pickle as a species.

I believe I am here to help people self-actualise. To continue to master my own Being in such a way that in so doing i/we unlock the next secret hidden within all of us. It is my belief that this secret is the ability to achieve shared consciousness. It is also my belief that in this state of perpetual enlightenment, the promises in Revelations materialise, as knowledge, wisdom and peace on earth is instantaneously transferred from one Being to the next, as it is in Heaven. This shared consciousness would create a transcendental wave of awakening that would literally force people out of their sleeping, unconscious, egoic mind state and into a state of conscious awareness.

This may sound delusional, but I have already experienced shared consciousness, if only for about 8 hours. During that state of enlightenment I entered into the void of the unmanifested, I took a leap of faith and entered into the kingdom of heaven, where I not only met my true self, I met the heavenly father.

NOTHiNG is the same now as it was then because NOTHiNG always stays the same. It’s EVERYTHiNG else that changes. NOTHiNG is constant.

In my experience, the principle of conscious self-awareness appears to be as valid, if not more so, today than it has even been.

I was reminded a couple of weeks ago, if you don’t ask, you don’t get and we’re running out of time, so something needs to happen and it isn’t going to happen unless we make it happen.

I AM the change I choose to B|C in the world.

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One Reply to “JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 28 April 2016”

  1. “I procrastinate and think of all sorts of reasons to not do something, rather than just giving it a go and seeing where it leads me.” Ahh, such a good principle I have been trying to practice. Even in my work, I realize that I can’t marry it and there comes a time when I need to let it go and move it on to the next level. There comes a time when analysis paralysis kicks in and the line is thin between that and “Just Doing It” as the ole Nike mantra goes.

    What an excellent, well-written post as always my dear, supportive friend. We struggle with the same afflictions and I am grateful for your strength in transparency. A very real act of selflessness for others.

    Love you bud, X

    Liked by 1 person

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