Another good day in recovery today and so far this month I’ve only had one bad day, two OK days, two OK+ days and the rest have been good days.
I’m defining my recovery in terms of depression, because in a state of suicidal pointlessness, drinking, acting out and being co-dependent seem to pale into insignificance. That’s not to say that they aren’t important, but in a state of perpetual depression I find it very difficult to do anything.
When my depression lifts I can once again see the woods for the trees. Not only that I see the wood in the trees and the tree in the woods.
There is still a lingering sense of unease, but if I continue to focus on that, then that becomes the focus of my attention. I am now in a position to focus on the sense of clarity that I get when I am not my mind. What I’m saying is that I am not out of the woods just yet, but good progress is being made and I need to acknowledge that fact.
This year is pretty much panning out exactly as last year did, but with one significant difference. My triangle, or holy trinity is grounded. Last year I allowed myself to get as high as a kite. I can attempt to blame that on the medication that I was on, but ultimately I got so swept up in the euphoria of recovery, that I started to float away.
Don’t get me wrong, spiritual growth has no limits and I encourage everyone to not only pursue a relationship with God, but to find that place within where you witness the unimaginable… I AM God.
My mistake last year was to not remain grounded during my spiritual growth, so the inevitable happened, which was that my triangle toppled over because I wasn’t balanced.
Ironically I was given this clue during my fire walk instructor training last year, but it only really became apparent to me, earlier on this year.
Today I felt like a paradigm shift took place during my Traditional Japanese Reiki course. It felt like a shift that I have felt before, more or less this time last year.
It’s the shift where all of a sudden you realise that you must now begin to walk the walk, rather than talk the talk. I’m a pretty quiet person most of the time. I can engage easily on a one2one conversation, but I choose not to involve myself in egoic cross talk. Instead I sit and listen.
There is nothing wrong with silence. It is said that silence is golden, yet it seems to be in short supply these days. Everyone wants to be heard and to have their say. Well, I’m going to start actively participating in silence.
When I speak I am simply repeating what I already know, but when I listen, I learn sometime new.
This is deeply profound, but to fully understand it, you must also be able to see your true self as the one that doesn’t speak. Consciousness can’t speak, it is simply awareness, yet it can communicate with us. Image consciousness as the air. You cannot hear air, yet without it you cannot hear the energy that we call sound waves. You do not hear or see the wind, but you notice it is there when the leafs and branches of a tree move and rustle in the breeze. Does the wind make the noise or do the leaves? Neither could be possible without the other and this is the paradox of consciousness and awareness of consciousness through the presence of mind.
The mind on the other hand loves to talk. It talks all the time if we’re not careful. It can talk so much that we forget to listen and thus, we forget what silence feels and sounds like. Meditation is the way we can practice the art of listening.
If the mind is busy, we cannot fully hear what is being said, as we can jump from one thing to the next without really paying any attention to what is being said. When I stop and listen, I begin to distinguish the difference between noisy thoughts and conscious thought.
When this occurs we have achieved the presence of mind which then allows us to ask the most fundamental question: WHY?
When we start to witness conscious thought and can apply that awareness to the present moment, we begin to hear how life or universal consciousness talks to us and more important, what life is telling us.
This is truly a beautiful thing to behold.
Today I am grateful for my recovery; for my sense of self; for my family and friends (and those I have yet to meet); for my teachers, my guides and my companions; for my sanity, serenity and strength; for my peace of mind.
I am also going to give thanks to myself for making this possible, because I would like to remind everyone out there that the only thing that is real, the only thing that is constant and that actually exists is the thing that is able to comprehend these words. We’re all just a part of the same consciousness and we’re just making up a story to kill time, because time isn’t real, so in a reality where space and time don’t exist, you need to give yourself something to do and that is the miracle of creation that we are witness right now.