JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 26 April 2016

I am in recovery and I love it, but I also hate it, sort of.

I’ve had, what I would consider to be, a pretty balanced day.

I’ve eaten healthily; I’ve meditated; I been out and met a new person who I also sat for, whilst he painted me, which was a first time experience and one that I really enjoyed. I’ve been for a run; I’ve done some self-improvement reading and to top it all off I’ve been to a Co-DA meeting this evening.

I was feeling pretty fine until I started to share at the Co-DA meeting. I was feeling pretty good, so I shared just that. I then started to feel guilty because no one else seemed as up beat as me. So when the opportunity came, I shared again, this time trying to lower my energy levels a little, but still talking about all the things I have been learning over the last few days.

I then realised that I felt like I was being massively co-dependent and that I was just trying to share what I thought other people wanted to hear, even though it was actually what I wanted to and needed to share. The bit that left me feeling poop, was the fact that we don’t give ANY feedback at Co-DA, so there is no external validation about what we say. This is the point, as co-dependants struggle to esteem themselves and so look for validation from others.

So I have left this evening realising that I have to validate my own share this evening, which feels really uncomfortable, to the point where I wanted to use food straight away to help comfort me and by the time I was almost home I was feeling like I really wanted to drink alcohol to maintain my good mood feeling and hide from my discomfort.

Fortunately I have the wisdom and conscious self-awareness to know that I just need to sit with these feelings, understand them and then integrate the learning process into my being, so that I am better prepared for the future.

I also received a text from someone, which, in the past, would have shot me out sideways and I would have reacted badly. Today, because I am in recovery, I know to just accept it, embrace it for what it is and then let go and detach from it with love.

The 12 step fellowships give me a structure and that structure gives me the ability to let go. In SAA I am currently working my step one. I haven’t done it yet, but I am working it. This requires me to identify all the shite from my past and then share it with my sponsor and other group members. That’s it. I don’t need to do anything else accept acknowledge the past. Steps 2 and 3 are then about finding hope that things can get better through working the remaining steps.

As for Co-DA, I haven’t even begun to work the steps, so I don’t really have a clue what recovery looks like, so I can’t take any real ownership of it yet, all I know is that I am willing to put the work in, so that I never make mistakes again, like I have done previously.

It’s really tough to have to admit that I still really don’t have much clue at all as to how I should live my life, but I can take comfort that recovery is only one step away, if I continue to work it.

I guess I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed that I have an opportunity to form a new friendship with someone at this point in my life. Before I was so arrogant that I was perfect that I assumed it was my right to ‘have’ people in my life. I pretty much didn’t give them the choice and just inflicted myself on those people that I wanted to be with.

Now I’m just so humbled that I can try again and even if I don’t get it right, I have the humility and good grace to put my hand up and say, sorry, I have no idea what I’m doing and I could use a little help. I’m not entirely certain what being truly vulnerable is, but I’m started to understand that it’s about being honest about the fact that I don’t have all the answers.

I feel like an enlightened idiot that has experienced the end and the beginning of everything, without time or form in the void of the un-manifested. I’ve broken free from The Matrix, literally took a leap of faith and entered heaven on earth, met my true self and in the process met God, yet I really, REALLY struggle to make and maintain ‘real’ friendships. I mean seriously, WTF is with that!?! and the problem with enlightenment is I already know the answer to my own question. Frack!!! It’s because this is what I asked for…

Be mindful what you wish for, because life has a way of giving it to you.

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