JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 23 April 2016

I started my day with a Co-DA meeting and whilst the meeting itself was OK, the conversation with the couple of guys that I was talking with afterwards was profound and insightful.

They were able to remind me about functional boundaries, why we need them and how they work. They reminded me that I only need to be responsible for me and my behaviour and my boundaries. If someone else transgresses my boundaries, I am then entitled to make them aware, albeit calmly and politely, of their boundary transgression.

I then went round to my SAA sponsors house for coffee and a chat about my step 1. He reminded me that functional families encourage communication, talking, sharing and expressing feelings and emotions, needs and wants. He was pretty much backing up entirely what the chaps from Co-DA had been saying earlier.

I was told today that dysfunctional families maintain their dis-functionality through silence.

If we don’t talk about our problems, then a) we don’t have any problems and b) we don’t have to take responsibility for our own shortcomings.

I’ve chosen to become something better and greater than I have been before. I’ve chosen to become more open, more honest, more compassionate, more accepting, more respectful, more humble (I am, honest), more grateful and ultimately more loving.

At the moment I still struggle setting these functional boundaries, but there will come a point where I need to test myself again. My mind is telling me to wait, but my intuition is saying ‘there is no time like the present’.

I know I am right and my mind is wrong, but when the mind is busy it can become difficult to know the difference between the true self and the egoic mind.

To this end I continue with my daily meditation practice. I am finding that I can easily sit for prolonged periods and just witness my thoughts and feelings. Today was a little more challenging, but my experience tells me that this is a good thing, because it means my mind is become agitated by being observed so closely. This is a very positive thing and means that I am doing it right. The mind does not like to be observed, it likes to be left alone, to do what it wants. Don’t let it!

My goal now is to continue with this process, so that more discomfort arises within my mind and through this discomfort, I can then witness with increasing clarity, who is witnessing and who is thinking. It is this distinction that helps form and maintain the gap between peace and non-peace. Non-mind and mind. Awake and asleep.

I’ve also been for another run today, which is also an achievement, as I could have easily talked myself out of it, as it was cold and I was feeling a little low on energy, but I took it slowly and really enjoyed it. I need to keep reminding myself that slow and steady is OK.

The more I meditate consistently and the more I follow my intuition, rather than my egoic mind, the clearer the path becomes and the further along the path I begin to see.

There is a gentle sense of excitement within me this evening. My fear and anxiety about the future is becoming less and there is a sense of calm optimism arising and giving birth to a new hope and freedom.

So on reflection, I started the day checking in at Co-DA saying I felt anxious, fearful and disconnected. 12 hours later, I have managed to transform these feelings into something positive, but I did not do it alone. I had help and it was help from people that I only know by their first name. How beautiful is that. This is the magic of the 12 step programs. I am grateful to be in the programs. I am grateful to meet such courageous people who are also on a journey of self discovery and development.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it, you’re worth it.

Also, I am grateful to anyone and everyone who pops by and reads and/or likes what I write. You know who you are 🙂 I started this blog as a place to put my personal thoughts, for me, just to get them out of my head. I continue to do this just for me, so sometimes what I write may not make a whole lot of sense, but thanks for listening 🙂 It’s good to be here.

God bless and peace be with you, always. xXx

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