JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 21 April 2016

The words that spring to mind as I sit down and begin to write this are; humility and vulnerability.

I shared some things this week that have been highly personal and traumatic regarding my past and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing in putting it out there. All I have to go on is my guiding principal, which is to be honest at all times, otherwise I am living a lie.

How can I expect other people to be honest with me, if I cannot be completely honest myself. It may not be easy, but surely the truth, in whatever form that takes, has to be better than a lie?

Some of the things I have shared this week may come across as [insert words here], but honestly, I see these past events and feelings as having played a huge part in the formation of who I am today. If I am going to be able to let them go, so that I can truly become the person that I am supposed to be, I have to share with honesty and integrity.

I need to remember that being vulnerable is OK. I also need to continue to remind myself what being vulnerable is, as I’m not entirely sure that I know what it is in this moment. Maybe it’s as simple as being able to admit to myself that I don’t have all the answers and that I need other people to help make sense of my own existence? or am I getting vulnerability confused with humility?

I haven’t mentioned depression for a while, and at the moment I feel like I’m on a good run. Life doesn’t feel overwhelmingly pointless and hasn’t done for 2-3 weeks now, but the feeling of immense peace, love and joy has vanished over the last few days. I’ve had a few short insights over the last couple of days, but haven’t managed to maintain it.

The first was at my traditional Japanese Reiki course last night and the other was tonight at alpha. What I was paying attention to during both occurrences was the fact that I was with kind and caring people. People being the clue, that I feel better when I am around people.

However, the flip side of that is that I don’t feel like I am measuring up to their kindness, so I start to turn inward and isolate, for fear of saying the wrong thing or being offensive.

I don’t know why I always feel this huge pressure and expectation to be ‘amazing’, which of course, I can never live up to and if I’m honest, I always judge myself as being a complete social failure.

All I can put this down to is that I’m back in the sex addiction head space and I’m trying to get to grips with my recovery, properly this time – even thought I’m not even sure that I have a problem. What does feel like a problem is the co-dependency, because I don’t know where and how to draw functional personal boundaries.

My honesty sometimes wants to get the better of me, and then I realise that what I am thinking about saying isn’t appropriate and then I clam up because what else am I suppose to say?

I’m thinking of adding in another bottom line to my list of no no behaviours, which is lying through omission. I like this because my addict knows that it has got away with pretty much anything in the past, by only telling some of the truth and not the whole truth. It was my last girlfriend who really cottoned on to this behaviour, even though I tried to deny it the whole time. Back then I honestly believed that it was OK to choose what version of the truth I told, rather than just being factual with the truth.

Is this again learning to have the courage to be honest, which in turn means being vulnerable to the consequences of my thoughts, feelings and actions, come what may?

If I continuously remind myself to be humble in the presence of others, so that I do not judge them, at least then I can say that I am living by my own standards and those who can’t accept that simply aren’t ready for someone like me?

What do I do next in situations like that? Do I stay and reason things out or simply walk away?

I’m feeling isolated and inwardly looking at the moment. I’m not sure what to do or where to turn, but maybe this is what I ask for. Maybe I do need to just allow myself to sit with these feelings and emptiness regarding my past.

I guess at the moment it’s all about admitting my powerlessness, and whilst I don’t see sex addiction as the thing I am powerless over, I did come back into the program and back into recovery because of my depression and so ultimately I must be mindful that my depression is the fact that I am powerless over my thoughts, feelings and actions.

I’m just working the SAA twelve steps so that I have some experience of working the twelve steps. The I can work them again for Co-DA.

Remember… this is a journey, not a destination.

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