JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 18 April 2016

A friend and recovery buddy sent this to me today and it reminded me of who I used to be. Personally I found it hilarious because it is/was so true!

There are only two things I don’t like; change and the way things are.

I’m going to go back to Friday’s journal entry, is ‘a good choice it’s own reward’?

YES, but there is a but…

…but it is OK to do the wrong thing for the right reason, but it’s not OK to do the right thing for the wrong reason and it’s never OK to do the wrong thing for the wrong reason.

I did need to act out on Friday, as I needed to allow myself to witness what was going on with me internally, however, for people still suffering from sex addiction, my example is not a good one and I do not condone it.

Here is the thing, in human form, peace can only be known through the existence of suffering. Peace is the opposite (or the resistance of) to suffering. In peace there can be only one thing… PEACE. This is the enlightened state of non-mind, the absence of ego, the end of suffering, the quiet, the nothingness.

I AM I

In order to help others, I must first help myself and in order to help myself, I must first help others.

This may be a little confusing, but i exist in all things. Enlightenment is the realisation of this truth. It is the existence of self, without self, yet i cannot know myself, unless I know YO’U’. Enlightenment is paradoxical, that’s why it isn’t easy. Most people can’t be bothered to break free from mind, so they never realise the paradox of their own existence.

I am no longer an addict, and I don’t need to prove it. I know. However, I needed to test myself once again in order to be certain.

AM I an addict? Here in lies the trap.

Many people will say that this is delusional and I would agree with them, which is why I am not an addict. I will not argue with my behaviour, but only I know why I am doing what I am doing.

It is the why the drives us.

I am beginning to understand the nature and origins of pain and suffering. I have been truly free from suffering, but that does not mean I understand where it came from. When I was born I was unable to comprehend my own Being and thus unable to witness the beginning of suffering, but I am now beginning to understanding.

I am beginning to invite suffering. I wish to know every aspect of its Being, because only then can I truly know my own true strength.

I see my destiny, but I have not yet realised it. Only through the realisation of the dream can we stop dreaming and become that which we are all born to become.

I have seen my path, now I must walk it, one step at a time.

Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?

For the next bit yo’u’ need to understand the key:

  • i = the i within all things (consciousness)
  • I = the I that knows the i in all things (the witness of consciousness / aka consciousness made manifest)
  • u = the i that resides within all things, as seen through the I (the reflection of witness of consciousness)
  • U = the egoic mind (the illusion of consciousness / aka unconsciousness)

Only ‘i’ know what is real. Do ‘I’ trust my(i)self enough to see through the illusion that YO’U want me(I) to believe is real?

The only possible answer is YES, but to think is to think, to do is to experience and to experience is to know.

Did I want to act out again last night or the night before? Yes.
Did I act out last night or the night before? No.
Do I see my addict more clearly today than ever before? Yes.
Does my addict have anywhere left to hide? Doubtful – there aren’t many stones left to unturned and the more practice I get at stepping into the shadows, the brighter my light becomes.

The more I understand suffering, the more I realise that the only way to reach those still suffering is to embrace our (I and U) pain. Those who are in pain still see their suffering as real. Suffering must be given flesh in order for that flesh to be torn away and die in order for something new to take its place.

Death is not real, if it was real ‘i’ would know about it. YO’U’ believe it is real because both ‘I’ and yo’u’ witness change, but change is not death. Change is growth.

Back to the here and now…

At todays SAA meeting I decided to share one of my past behaviours. It’s something that I’m not proud of. It’s something that still hangs over me and tries to control me, but today I let it go. It’s not gone, not yet, but soon it will have no more power over me. This is the beauty of the TRUTH. It sets us free.

The truth is this, when there are no more lies, no more secrets, no more past regrets, no more guilt… this is freedom, true freedom. This is serenity. This is salvation.

When we let everything go and forgive ourselves for every indiscretion, when we pledge to become the best possible version of ourselves, then and only then do we come face to face with our true self. Only then do we know who we really are, who ‘i’ really am. Only then do ‘i’ know God and in that eternal moment ‘i’ allow God to know who God really is. Yo’u’ are God, yo’u’ just don’t know it yet, your job is to see yourself for yourself.

The grace and peace of God is the Present that God has wrapped within this human form. Once we peel the onion and get to our core Being, what’s left… is the gift of life, creation and everything. The fruit of the spirit.

Every mind is different, ergo, yo’u’ must create your own paradox to free yourself from the lies YO’U’ have told yourself your entire life.

YO’U’ will know the truth when yo’u’ find it, there is only one truth, but only yo’u’ can find it…

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