JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 12 March 2016

I’m getting pretty fricken peed off with feeling like this. This feeling, or more accurately, not feeling, is wearing me down… all over again and just like it has done countless times before. I just can’t seem to maintain any kind of enthusiasm for anything. What’s worse is that I know I have the answer to all this, but it’s as if it’s just outside my sphere of awareness and I can’t quite put my consciousness on it.

I do have some hope, because I know it if I Hold On Pain Ends, but it just feels like the same old cycle of behaviour and I’m not sure I can wait another 5 years for a glimpse of something to justify feeling like life is worth living.

Today I made the effort to pull myself out of bed this morning and get myself to a Co-DA (Co-Dependants Anonymous) meeting. I’m pretty certain that 99% of my personality disorder and thus my depression, sex addiction, alcoholism etc. comes from my dysfunctional upbringing. I’m also pretty confident that Co-DA is the way that I can break myself free from the ‘control dramas’ that continue to rule my life.

My story is a real first world problem and so I’m also slightly ashamed of it, because I know there are way more people out there that have suffered far worse than I have. I mean I wasn’t abused or beaten. My parents were both pretty average and tried their loving best to raise me.

At age 16, by the time I left school, I had entered into a state of permanent psychosis. I had no idea what was real. I had no idea who I was, what I was doing, where I was going or how I was going to do it. I was a lost and terrified soul.

I started drinking. I became an addict. I started my endless string of co-dependant relationships. My adult suffering began. My enthusiasm for life disappeared and this endless feeling of fear, isolation and despair became ever more present.

Last year I thought I had finally broken free of this cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviours, but today it feels just like it has done for the last 20+ years.

I don’t know what to do. It feels like all I can do it put my faith and trust back into the 12 step programs and just pray that by attending meetings and calling people, I can and will eventually get better.

I don’t want to go back onto medication because it only masks the problem and like I said earlier, I feel like I’m close to breaking free, but it’s just out of my grasp. I said I would give myself 3 months before I went back to the doctor and asked firmly to be put on medication. It’s been almost 2.5 months. I’m running out of time.

I guess on the positive side, I don’t feel suicidally low and I haven’t done for the last couple of weeks and I do feel good when I am at a meeting. I’m also able to find some clarity in meditation, which is also a source of hope.

However, when I’m like this I don’t want to be around people because I have such little self worth, confidence, enthusiasm and joy for life. I feel like I am a burden to everyone that I am around.

When I am good I seem to push the boundaries of what is acceptable and I end up hurting, upsetting and alienating myself from people.

If I’m completely honest, at the moment I just feel like I want to jump into a highly co-dependent and highly sexual relationship so that I can press that FUCK IT button, get drunk and just enjoy myself for a while, but my conscious-self won’t let that happen. I’m far to sensible to do anything like that any more, which is really PISSING ME OFF TOO!!!

So all I can do right now is pray:

Dear Lord,

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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