Today things are moving in the right direction.
I was once again able and motivated to meditate for 1 hour before I got out of bed this morning.
I was also able to perform my sun salutation yoga as soon as I got up.
I saw my therapist this afternoon and was able to discuss my recent suicidal mood with her.
I also had a text from a recovery buddy, who reminded me that I should be grateful for the fact that I am still clean and sober. It occurred to me this evening that I’ve recently been going about things all wrong. Visiting the SAA fellowship last night, speaking with recovery buddies and seeing my therapist has been the wake up called that I need to hear again.
I’ve been beating myself up for the fact that I’ve been feeling depressed and the fact that I haven’t even wanted to get smashed out of my face or download tones of porn for hours on end. Let me just repeat that, because I need to make sure I’m being clear on this matter.
I’ve been beating myself up because I actually don’t want to get drunk or act out, yet I still feel depressed.
This is how ludicrous depression is. It is a horrible, horrible illness because it completely warps your reality and eradicates any and all self-esteem. When I stopped and thought about it I realised just how well I’m actually doing. The fact that I have been feeling suicidal, yet in my most desperate hours I’ve maintained my sobriety. I think this says something about the strength of my character and is something that I’ve been seriously underestimating recently.
Step 1: I admit I am powerless over my thoughts, feelings and behaviours – that my life is unmanageable.
I AM grateful:
- for my continued sobriety
- for all the basics that I take for granted, such as a roof over my head, a comfy bed, warm clothes and healthy food
- for my friends in recovery who accept me no matter what and who continue to offer their kindness and support, no matter what
- for the wisdom to know the difference (Serenity Prayer)
Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or and enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
– His Holiness the Dalai Lama