JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 2 February 2016

Progress is most definitely being made.

I was able to get up that little bit earlier today so that I could both eat AND meditate before going to Yoga this morning.

I was also in a different space at Yoga. I was able to appreciate the pain, push through it and keep going. There was also a slight tinge of disappointment (not a lot lol), when one of the most challenging exercises of class did not last as long as I thought it would. (There is expectation getting in the way of things again and causing disappointment.)

I feel very energised today but also very grounded. I feel the spirit within guiding me and the recent noise of my mind slowly fading into insignificance again.

I know people who love to think and they can spend rather a large amount of time doing so. If this works for them then great, but in my experience, thinking is a futile and pointless exercise that does not get you anywhere.

To fully experience reality and thus all that LIFE has to offer, one has to remove ones consciousness from thought and simply witness thought. To exist in the moment, solely through the power of prayer of meditation, is to connect with and hold conscious contact with ‘the TRUTH’. I say truth rather than higher power, the divine, the source, the light, god, your soul, spirit etc. because whatever you experience in that moment of silence, between asking and receiving, is your truth.

I was both willing and able to push myself harder and further than I have been able to recently during Yoga today. My mind was much quieter, my focus was much clearer and my determination to better myself was much stronger.

I will admit that I slept for about 4 hours this afternoon because I ate a large portion of cheese on toast, with tomato, when I got home and could not keep my eyes open. My body felt like it has been worked hard, both from running yesterday and from Yoga today, so I listened to what my body was telling me. I relaxed and slept without judgement. I simply accepted that I was physically tired and needed the rest.

This is a completely different feeling to sleep based on depression, where there is a void of energy and/or willingness to do anything.

This evening I had my Reiki 1 follow up. Now here is an interesting thing. Reiki 1 is all about self healing and applying Reiki to yourself and becoming aware of Reiki. My feelings of depression almost exactly coincide with when I began my Reiki 1. Yet today I feel completely well again.

Today I feel just like I did when I achieved wellness for the first time last year. It’s not something that you can be told, it is something that only you, as the former sufferer, can know.

So how coincidental is it that today, as I conclude my Reiki 1 teachings from my Reiki Master and my outstanding questions are answered, is it that I am now able to say to myself that I am once again well.

My explanation for this is as follows. Last time I had been really ill for a really long time. So my journey through recovery took along time and there were many processes that I had to go through in order to heal myself of my many illnesses. I knew that I had overcome and cured myself of all my mental illnesses, but it was a little difficult to pinpoint exactly what trigger what and what healed what.

This time I have only been ill for about 4 weeks. I know exactly why I let myself get dragged down again. I know that my depression and anxiety was very real because I did not know how to cope. I have been suicidal on more than several occasions during the last 4 weeks. So there is no doubt in my mind as to how I have been feelings.

I am also aware that I made the choice, once again, to overcome it. There have been moments where I felt like giving in a going back on medication and spending the rest of my life waiting, but I could not let go of the fact that I knew how to be better.

It was this knowledge that finally gave me enough H.O.P.E. and faith to trust myself and thus trust others to start pulling myself back out of that hole. Besides, it was not really my hole. It is the darkness and despair of my opposite that became overwhelming, but I know the secret to and of enlightenment and I know that the truth shall set you free. So I freed my last remaining truth and as soon as that moment occurred, clarity was once again restored.

Darkness, lies, hatred, ignorance, denial, fear, deception, coercion, manipulation, control, judgement, aggression are all symptoms of a mind that is trying to hide the truth from itself.

Once you have no more secrets, there can be no more lies and as long as you are not sinning (doing things ‘wrong’ that harm you) in other ways, you are free to have a relationship with yourself like nothing you have every known before.

So do I think it is a fluke that I got ill and got better in such a coincidental manner?

No, not at all. Because I AM manifesting my own reality. This is the lesson that I needed to learn or be reminded off because I had forgotten. I needed to be certain that I know how to heal myself, before I begin to offer my healing to the world.

I am now able to move forward without the limitations and restrictions placed on my by those who are still confined by the prison of their own judgemental and controlling mind.

To use the analogy: I have cut the cords and ties to those who do not see the universe as I see the universe. This is OK, because they have not experienced LIFE in the way that I have. This is why I have returned from that special place. For once you have been to the end of the road, you know the ultimate destination. All that is then left is to be of service to those who ask for assistance in finding their own answer.

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