Today I’m going to start with pudding and work backwards, you’ll see why.
I spent the last few hours going through my inbox and reading all the blogs of you lovely people who have stopped by over the last few days to LIKE or COMMENT on my journal entries.
When I started blogging about a year ago, I spent all of my time writing and none of my time reading, which was fine, because that was what I needed to do at that time. It is inconceivable for most people to even begin to comprehend the transformation that has taken place within me over the last 12 months. Even I struggle to believe it sometimes and I was the one witnessing it all.
Then I started to read and I began to realise that there are so many people out there that ‘get it’. What people ‘get’ may be different, as is to be expected with the human condition, but there is an overwhelming amount of qualitative information out there that the human race is rapidly transcending or evolving to the next level.
I was going to go an AA meeting this evening, but ended up watching session 2 from alpha.org with my mother. When it ended at 20:15, it was too late to go to AA, so I decided to do what I’ve been putting off for the last couple of days, which is to immerse myself in the world of WordPress. My addict doesn’t do things by halves 😉
I am only able to go on what I have read and experienced for myself, first hand and I am also aware that by the law of attraction, I am obviously going to meet like minded people by the very nature of the topics that I have chosen to write about. That said, I am truly amazed at the honesty and heart felt emotion that us ‘pressers’ convey in our blogs, day in and day out.
In my old life there was a phrase in business known as the keyboard terrorist, which I am sure most people are familiar with. I was one of them. Put me in front of Outlook and I would all of a sudden grow a pair and become braver than I knew what to do with. This sometimes got me into deep and hot water with customers. It’s an amazing thing though, that when this previous ‘character flaw’ gets turned on its head, so that I use it in the interest of pure honesty and complete transparency, little miracles begin to happen.
In AA people are just ‘real’. No mask, no pretence, just raw experience and raw emotion. You witness stories that range from deep and dark despair to joyous examples of hope and strength. Tradition 1 sums it up perfectly:
Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon AA unity.
I get the same feeling of unity whenever I read a fellow bloggers post. There is a LOVE and a sense of support that is not always there when you walk down the street, although I must admit, my streets have become pretty awesome since I changed my outlook. There is so much good news on wordpress, even when the story is not so good, people are only too willing to offer advice and support. It’s an amazing community to be a part of. So I don’t feel like I missed anything by not going to AA this evening. In fact it feels like I was meant to be sitting right here this evening because this is a global community and that is HUGE!
Prior to this evening I actually managed to take myself out for a run. There were two reasons for this: 1) Yoga was closed today 2) Whilst Yoga is certainly helping, I must also learn to master my own sense of motivation and this can only ever be achieved in isolation.
Sure, we can learn about motivation from group work, but in my humble experience, I am only ever truly tested when in my own company. I know that the greatest adversary I will ever face, is that one that looks me right in the dead of the eyes when I stair back into the mirror.
Those of us who are driven by the question, know that the answer cannot be found out there. We also know that it takes great courage to journey inwards and find ones true self. It’s not that the true self is scary, it is journeying through the truth that most people fear.
I am promising myself that today will be the day that I hold on to that feeling of achievement, self-esteem and determination that says this is it.
From this moment onwards, there is no turning back. I know my fate and I have faith in what I know.
I have mastered fear.
I understand fear.
I have mastered suffering.
I understand suffering.
I have mastered LOVE.
I understand LOVE.
I have mastered healing.
I understanding healing.
As for the beginning of my day, well. The alarm went off at 07:00, as usual. The left side of my back and shoulder was in pain. I have been in some physical discomfort since I began feeling low last month. I now know that the body is just a manifestation of the minds eye (consciousness) and when the mind becomes separated from consciousness, the body begins to suffer physically. As Morpheus put is in The Matrix: “The body cannot live without the mind.” It is also true that the mind cannot survive without conscious awareness. Consciousness is the true master, not the mind.
Anyway, I decided to lay on a completely flat service and stretch myself out. It was so good that I relaxed and fell back to sleep.
I have been wilfully entertaining fantasy recently, but over the last couple of days have been doing my utmost to remain sober. For the uninitiated this means refraining from looking at pornography and/or masturbation. It would seem that my abstinence and my determination to remain so, was unconsciously (or consciously, as I prefer to refer to it) rewarded.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I say to myself: I will never give up on LIFE, because I just don’t know what is going to happen next. Whilst there is breath in my body there is always, always, always the H.O.P.E. of the potential to learn and to train my minds to accept that which it does not yet want to understand or is not ready to fully accept.
We all may, at sometime or other feel that the only way to find the truth or the answer we all seek, is to invite death. Death will, of course, present the truth, for the end is only the beginning. However, upon learning the truth, you will always know the joy of life, but in that same instant, you will also come to know regret. Beginning again, when you have just found the answer is, unfortunately, the cruellest twist of fiats.
Life eternal is found in the meaning of acceptance.
May peace and LOVE be with you, always.