JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 30 January 2016

Today has been a revelation, literally. I really wasn’t feeling the LOVE this morning and had managed to convince myself that I didn’t really need to go to Yoga today and that, well, I deserved a break, as I have been all week. However, this is typical old me. I call it complacency, and it’s about now where I usually decide to start making excuses about how this isn’t really my thing and then promptly give up.

Not today. I recognised this weakness in me and realised that today was the most important day for me to go to Yoga, so after my usual porridge breakfast I shrugged off my idol complacency, put my shoes and and started walking.

The class was pretty tough today and I struggled to feel the energy, but was grateful that I decided to go. I was rewarded when a fellow class member walked back in the same direction as me and we decided to share the walk back and quickly got chatting.

I was amazed at his story and it was lovely to connect with someone so quickly again and on such a deep level about our common, all be it different, pasts. It once again made me realise that if I hadn’t made the effort to go today, that that conversation with Andrew would not have taken place and I would not have received such a wonderful gift.

After I had got back and showered my mum had got home and we got talking over a cup of coffee. All I shall say is that my closet is now bare. Every single last skeleton that I had in there is now out and gone for good. I am now truly free. I have confessed all my sins, everything, to myself, my therapist and to my higher power.

As Jesus said:

I AM the way, the truth and the life.

I also realised that I was kidding myself if I did not also acknowledge that I have had a little slip up recently with both alcohol, pornography and probably a little co-dependency too. Today I am clean and sober and don’t have an alcohol or a sex addition problem because my life is not unmanageable, but it did suddenly dawn on me that I need to have the courage and the humility to admit that I’ve messed up over the last 3-4 weeks and have slipped back into old habits. For this reason I took myself off to a local AA meeting this evening.

I stopped going to AA, SAA Co-DA etc. because I felt so well that I didn’t feel the need for the support they offered any more, but I realised today that it’s more than that. When you actively engage in the program you are constantly humbled by the stories that you hear and it is a reminder to be grateful for everything that you have right now. I’m not talking about material things, I’m talking about happiness, joy, peace and LOVE. I have met and continue to meet some of the most down to earth and accepting people inside the 12 step rooms.

It’s really shocking when you realise that most people in society are actually crazy. They just won’t admit it or don’t even know it. It’s the ones that claim that everything is fine that are really messed up. The ones that don’t talk, won’t talk or can’t talk about their emotions or their past.

This is never the case in a 12 step fellowship. You are always greeted with a warm smile and there is never, ever any judgement. Only truth, trust and honestly. Even if you’re not an alcoholic, if you feel a little low, go to an open AA meeting. You will be amazed at the LOVE you receive in those rooms.

I hadn’t even got out of the car when I got home when I got a text from Cliff, asking if I was free and did I want to meet up for a drink. Of course I would, why not. So not half an hour after I got back from my AA meeting, I was standing at the bar of a local pub ordering two orange and passion fruit juices. Not something that is encouraged at AA, but like I say, I’m all good and I don’t have a drink problem.

This evening I realised that I have been carrying round with me some unnecessary baggage and it’s been dragging me down recently. I’m tired of playing these stupid games with ignorant people, so I’m ripping up the rule book from now on and going back to doing things my way, because I know, ultimately, that my way works.

Sticking you head in the sand and thinking that everything is OK, might work for some people, but I’m fortunate enough to know when something is broken and I’ve done enough work on myself, with myself, to know how to fix myself and for this I am truly grateful.

I must also say that I am and always will be eternally grateful to my mother, who has supported me no matter what and who has always been there no matter what. I am grateful for her acceptance, LOVE, compassion and continued support.

So what started as a pretty low potential day, I seemed to have hit a home run and won the innings. I said on Thursday that thing are about to get interesting, well things are starting to get interesting 🙂

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One Reply to “JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 30 January 2016”

  1. Inspiring. You spotted your Early warning signs and pushed yourself to use your coping mechanisms. May I ask what you think the trigger was for going down? Mothers are amazing. I don’t think I would be alive without mine 🙂 thanks for sharing this post. It just reinforces that we are only human and we can’t robots. We err, we learn and we move on.

    Liked by 1 person

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