JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 30 July 2015

Amazingly I awoke naturally at about 05:45, which was 15 minutes before I had set my alarm.

I had spend the night on James’s sofa bed and felt like I had slept surprisingly well 🙂 We did not go to bed until about 01:00 in the morning, as we were watching a moving but mostly talking all the way through it.

Yesterday evening was a brand new, yet similar (old) experience for me. I don’t think I have ever felt so relaxed in peoples company ever, since I have started attending 12 step fellowships.

The people who attend are some of the most amazing people I have ever met and that I continue to meet.

I am not meaning to judge the world, it is what it is and if it was something else then that is what it would be, so I accept everyone and everything in it. I find that is the only way I can achieve and maintain peace of mind.

That said, the people inside the rooms are all there for one single (simple) reason and that is, to better themselves.

They do this by learning about who they are and what they want, which by default must also include what they DO NOT want.

They overcome fear and choose to face their own demons, for the single reason of becoming a better person.

Once one becomes humble in the face of themselves, they are no longer a threat to anyone else and thus everyone else can approach them without fear. We begin to invite friendship and choose to remove isolation. This is incredibly powerful stuff and something that I continue to experience every time I attend a 12 step meeting.

I love my two nieces and I thoroughly enjoy being in their company. This made me think. I lost one uncle at the very end of last year. I didn’t know him at all, but what I learnt from his death was the single truth that I needed to hear in order to begin to no longer want to be ill.

This truth began my journey and so on the 30th March 2015 I first walked into a 12 step fellowship.

On the 14th May 2015, approximately 6 weeks later, I made a choice to become the best possible version of myself. This choice meant that I had to stop doing what I had come to believe or think was helping me and start to live each day for what it really is. This has meant learning to live each day at a time and over a period of time I have learnt that this moment never ends.

Today, I am two and half months sober and I have never, ever felt better, so today I had arranged to meet up with my other uncle and have lunch and go for a walk together.

I was only just able to scratch the surface with him today, as I have never actually known who I AM before and thus I have never actually been able to share who I AM with him before.

I have seen him a few times recently over the last few months and each time I have been able to speak more and more openly about what I have been struggling with for so long.

He has suffered from bi-polar for many, many years and today he still takes Lithium to stabilise his mood. Who better to talk to than a member of my own family, about mental health problems. Plus he is a very humble, honest and gentle person himself. I have very fond memories for him from my childhood and have taken my experiences with him into my adult life and now apply those same experiences, plus my own wisdom, to that of my nieces.

I will admit that I have been slightly overzealous in my behaviour today, as I assumed I was better equipped to explain my own understanding of who I AM to others, especially those I trust. Today I have learnt that the truth takes time to emerge and that I AM not yet properly equipped to explain myself.

In the past this would have bothered me, but today I have been in good company and we have both remained safe, so I have been able to learn something knew about myself, whilst also getting to know my own uncle that little bit better. I have achieved what I set out to achieve today.

My goal was not to enlighten my uncle, I accept him for who and what he is and I know that he is wise enough and experienced enough to live his own life. I simply wanted to help him to get to know me a little better and in the process allow me to get to know him a little better too.

I allowed the day to unfold as it did and by removing all but my intention from my expectation of today, I have achieved all that I set out to achieve on this day.

Now at its very best that’s pretty close to perfection and at the very least that’s very positive progress, even if I do say so myself. 🙂

Be well my friend. x

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