JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 26 July 2015

I’ve been back at my mums today, partly so that we could watch the Grand Prix together and partly because I have my SAA meeting tomorrow and it’s easier for me to go from here, than it is from there.

I’ve drank way too much coffee for some reason today. I had about 3-4 cups before I left my dads and then 2 when I got to my mums. Oddly, I’ve felt knackered this afternoon and have had a pretty deep sleep on the sofa after the GP ended.

I’ve spent the last 6 hours or so writing down my journal entry for the 9th July 2015. I haven’t yet proof read it and I know I have missed a couple of things out that I need to go back in and add, but at over 11,000 words, I’m not doing that tonight.

I’m really pleased that I’ve written what happened to me on that day down, as it’s still hugely vivid in my mind. It’s only been about 2 weeks, but it’s taken me all this time to actually process what I experienced.

I know what happened actually happened. I’ve spoken about it with a couple of people, both of whom have also described their own experiences, so I’m not alone.

All too often I have taken what I experience every day for granted, but now that I am shedding my distractions, I am finding that I have much more to appreciate.

Put simply, life is a miracle. The fact that I have the self-awareness to know that I am, is something that I hope I never, ever, EVER tire of.

Miracles are unfolding in each and every moment, but as an addict I was too concerned with how crappy I was feeling or how scared I was going to feel later, so I was always fixated on the future. Was I going to be OK? Well, I’m not sure I can answer that question, so I better have some coping mechanisms around me, just in case.

A couple of beers would turn into a couple of beers and a bottle of wine. A small bottle of vodka and coke would turn into a large bottle of vodka and orange.

I was so distracted by how I thought I was going to be, that I stopped paying attention to this moment and continued to manifest my darkest fears.

Fear is only real, if you think it is real. Thoughts are only real, when you think they are real.

Thoughts are not real. The thing witnessing those thoughts, me, now that’s real. I am real.

I AM. I EXIST.

No one can question what I have experienced. How can you? Unless you were there, you have no idea of what I experienced and even if you were there, you could not have been seeing what I was seeing because my perception and interpretation of this reality is unique. The presence of mind that is witnessing reality, however, is the same in everyone and that’s the difference.

Today’s Grand Prix was a great case in point. When you are out in front, you aren’t winning, you are just leading the race. When you start to believe or think that you are going to win, your concentration moves from the moment to the future and you stop paying attention. When that happens, guess what happens next, you error and you are no longer leading the race and the probability of you winning the race has greatly diminished.

This is why, in recovery, we say, one day at a time, one step at a time. As long as I’m clean, safe and sober just for today, then today I am a winner. As soon as I shift my focus and start thinking that I know it all and start thinking about winning tomorrow, I am once again susceptible to losing myself and I already know where that leads me.

I’ve worn that tyre out doing the same old thing over and over and over. I’ve now broken my old circles of behaviour. Now it’s about creating new and ever evolving behaviours, so that I never wear myself out again 🙂

Stay safe and be well. x

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