I’ll keep this one short, as it’s a pretty important realisation that I’ve become aware of today.
I wrote in my journal a couple of days ago that I was struggling with, what felt like, ‘a shadow from the past’. I was feeling things, which were making me think things, which is the other way around to what I have been experiencing recently.
As a recovering addict, I have learned to overcome my obsessive, compulsive shortcomings through the process of self-awareness. I realised that I was not my thoughts, feelings or my actions and that I simply had thoughts, feelings and actions.
In the ‘addict world’, thoughts would trigger feelings, which, if left unchecked, would eventually manifest themselves as actions. There was a simple pattern of behaviour and I found that if I worked backwards, controlling the actions, then I became more in control of my feelings and thus was able to regain control of my thoughts.
Depression is basically the manifestation of our thought reality. I think I’m shit, so I feel shit, which makes me believe I’m shit, which stops me from doing anything positive with my life and thus the cycle is complete.
Addiction is the belief (of the mind) that I need ‘something’ to control the pain. This is a self-deceptive lie and one that I would tell myself almost every minute of every day.
As I continue to work my recovery I am becoming aware that in the ‘real world’, there is no definable logic between thoughts, feelings and actions. They can happen randomly and trigger each other in unpredictable ways.
For example, I perform an action that I have nothing but pure intention for, like taking a shower. This actions triggers a thought / feeling, which then triggers another thought / feeling. It is possible to become quite lost in a short space of time, trying to understand and explain to ones self, why I feel this way.
Put simply, as a recovering addict, I use to believe that the relationship between thoughts, feelings and actions was as follows:
THOUGHT > FEELING > ACTION
I now know the relationship is that of a triangle, like so:
It’s a new set of experiences for me, but with a little meditation and some patience and practice, I have quickly learned to once again see my thoughts, feelings and actions, as just that. MINE. They are not who I am, they are simply what I do. They belong to me, but they do not define my existence. They only define my perception and interpretation of this reality.
I AM. I EXIST.