JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 16 July 2015

Is there a secret to recovery?

Only if you don’t know what the question is.

My mind has always been very busy and very inquisitive. I have always been fascinated by the fact that I am always asking myself WHY?

  • Why am I here?
  • Why do I exist?
  • Who am i?
  • What do i¬†want?
  • Where did I come from?
  • Where am I going?
  • Who am i?

I could go on all day, but you get the point. The key question that I have struggled to answer for the past 30+ years is, who am i or who is i?

The simple answer is: I AM ūüôā

I realised that there was something a little different about me when I first entered the rooms of the fellowships. Everyone who was ‘recovering’ was doing a lot of listening. Those struggling with recovery were doing a lot of talking. I remained silent.

I found this a bit frustrating at first because, after all, my ego knew EVERYTHING! Yet I knew nothing.

I discussed my frustration, at how much people talk, with my therapist. I was frustrated that people were trying to ‘fix’ me.

One chap¬†got it and he spoke to me. He didn’t speak at me, he spoke to me and so I listened and I gave him my full attention.

I had to continue experiencing the ‘bad stuff’ for a while, but sooner rather than later I realised that he knew what he was talking about. I made myself ready to accept whatever he said had worked for him.

After a couple of months I called out for the first time (I phoned someone and was honest with them about how I was feeling and admitted I needed their help). I chose to phone Richard.

He answered and I instantly felt better. He didn’t talk, he just listened whilst I did most of the talking. After all, I had rang him because I needed someone to talk to. He knew this and he knew why I was calling, because he had been there before himself.

At that point in time, he knew me better than I knew myself.

He let me finish talking and just said, ‘you know what buddy, I really appreciate the call and I just want you to know that you are always loved and accepted by me and the rest of the fellowship’.

HOLY SHIT! This guy, who only knows me by my first name, accepts me and loves me for who and what I am. If he can love me then maybe I can love myself.

At that point I realised that it was ‘my mind’ that had always been doing all of the talking. I never said anything because I was too busy listening to what my mind was telling me. I didn’t know what peace was, because my mind was never silent.

OK, now that I am aware of this, I am aware that I have a choice. Do I want to continue loathing myself and feeling shameful all the time or do I want to change and become something better and more beautiful?

I didn’t have to spend much time contemplating that one, because it’s a pretty easy choice.

I’m unhappy doing what I’m doing. OK. If I do something else, maybe I might not be so unhappy. H.O.P.E. returned, along with a little faith.

Hold
On
Pain
Ends

I put my trust in myself and started to test what I had just become aware of. It didn’t take me very long to realise that the more patient I am and the more practice I gave myself, the more progress I made.

HOLY SHIT!

The promises started being fulfilled and every day since then I’ve had the best day of my life, because it’s accumulative. Yesterdays good day rolls into today and so today becomes better than yesterday. Now I just repeat this winning formula and life keeps getting better and better and better.

It’s not rocket science. It’s simple. It might not always be easy, but then what do you want from life?

I didn’t know what I wanted, so I started to build a list of all the things I didn’t want. That was EASY!

The less noise and distraction I carried around with me, the more I became aware of what I wanted.

I continued to practice being patient and I keep making more and more progress. Progress became easier and easier the more I was practising being patient.

That’s the secret to my recovery.

  • Who am I?
  • What do I want?

When I was able to honestly answer both of those questions, I stopped believing I was well and I begin to know that I am well.

Be whatever you want to be people, because your intention manifests itself into reality. If you want to be an addict or depressed or codependent… guess what… you¬†will be. It’s not rocket science. Who do I choose to be in this moment?

Todays post is dedicated to a man I know only as Richard, who showed me what unconditional acceptance was and how to love unreservedly. He was the first man I ever truly loved and through his kindness has allowed me to accepted and love myself and everything I now perceive in my reality.

I love you all. Peace be with you and be well. x

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