JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 07 July 2015

I imagine this is going to get boring after a while but I have had another amazing day! The promises have come true. Keep coming back, it works if you work it so work it you’re worth it!

Today was my therapy day. I haven’t seen my therapist in 3 weeks, so I was a little ‘apprehensive’ when I walked into her room today.

I shall say no more than I have had a spiritual awakening. I now get it. I know. The more I become aware the more I know and because my OCD brain works very quickly it is able to build constructs that help my mind understand what my conscious-self is witnessing. You’re possibly thinking that this all sounds a little crazy? I would too. In fact I did. I was crazy for years. Now I just am.

The thing today was, last time I saw my therapist I was in pretty good place, but in the space of three weeks I have grown beyond my wildest imagination and hers (my therapist) too. Luckily my therapist is very open minded, so I haven’t been committed… yet lol.

The difference today was, I didn’t need to convince her of anything. I wanted her to know that we both know the same thing. I had nothing to prove, so I was confident that she wouldn’t think I was crazy. If you know you’re crazy, you only actually think you are crazy. There’s a difference. The real crazy ones have no idea that they are actually out of their minds, so I was quietly confident.

Because a large proportion of my life has been spent living with mental illness, if I was her, I would have easily put what I was telling her down to another ‘mania’ episode. See, the reason I’ve lived with my condition for so long was I was always absolutely petrified of being labelled crazy and then committed. It’s only over the last few years that people have become more open and honest about talking about mental illness.

With not a lot to lose and rather a lot to gain, I thought, what the hell… and jumped in with two feet. Today was the second time I have had to completely and utterly trust someone else. If today was a test, we (my therapist and I) both passed 🙂

Usually when I am lying or deluding myself, my therapist is very good at pointing these things out and so I tend to come away with a bruised ego. This didn’t happen today because two master were talking to each other. There was no opinion, only the expression of experience and experience cannot lie.

I know this is not exactly to do with the ‘process’ of addiction recovery but for me it is and it’s certainly relevant to my mental illness and depression recovery.

I entered the room today without belief, only knowing and I was able to communicate my experiences in a very calm and concise manner. I didn’t even take offence when she suggested that she herself get a ‘sanity check’ from another therapist on what we were discussing, in fact I honestly welcomed it.

If I know the truth then nothing can alter or distort it. If I’m just crazy then I only think I’m crazy and I know how to get out of that one.

More progress has been made today, so for that I am truly grateful. I am bursting with love for myself and the universe and feel calm and contented. I want for nothing, only what I need.

Peace be with you peeps x

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