JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 05 July 2015

My journey of recovery so far has, at the very least, allowed me to learn humility. I image the me of the past would be quite arrogant right now. Having had a couple of good weeks of back to back good days, I would have delude myself into believing that I was ‘special’. My mind loves to play games with itself and trick me into believing it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking myself, but the purpose of this journal was and is to keep an open, frank and honest account of myself and what’s going on in my life as I recover.

I remember that I am allowed to feel less than perfect. This is progress, because I used to try and maintain my ‘perfection’ indefinitely. Let me explain…

Yesterday I went to a Co-DA meeting from 09:00 – 10:30. I got home and started working on my new websites at about 11:30. I was so engrossed in what I was doing that twice yesterday I didn’t even know that my mother had been into the living room and refilled my coffee. I was busily working away, waiting for her to come back so I could share something with her. When I finally went to look for her and said ‘I have been waiting for you, is the coffee ready?’ she replied, it’s by your chair. lol

I have absolutely no recollection of her entering the room and placing the coffee next to me. What was even more freaky was that I acknowledged that event only to ask her the same question about 20 minutes later and I as did so I instantly noticed my mug was again… full.

It is said that when top athletes get into the ‘zone’ they experience tunnel vision. I believe I experienced something similar yesterday.

I didn’t actually stops working until about 04:00 this morning, which means I spent about 14 hours sat in front of my laptop yesterday. I was so fixated on what I was doing that I just didn’t feel the need to stop. I had loads and loads of energy and every time I tried to sleep, my mind was too excitable. Even through meditation and reading for at least an hour, I still could not sleep.

It felt like I needed to be awake to witness something at a particular time and to act accordingly. At about 03:00 this morning I got the message, sent my email and then received the response at 04:05. I deliberately didn’t open the response until this afternoon. I knew that I had done what needed to be done and that the rest could wait.

I am now going to be humble.

I woke up at about 09:00 this morning and my body felt physically tired but I was wide awake. I knew that it was time to get up so I jumped in the shower, got dressed, cooked and ate breakfast, did my readings and meditated.

I was calm and peaceful, but my mind was shot and my body was tired.

I had overdone it yesterday. As much as my OCD / addict brain wanted to jump back onto the laptop today and pick up where it had left off earlier this morning, I wanted to let my body and my mind relax.

I chose to read another chapter of my OCD book, which was hugely insightful and exactly what I needed to read today. Just as I finished the chapter the British Grand Prix coverage started. I made another choice to give the race my absolute and full attention.

I am soooooo pleased that I did! Today was the most thrilling and exciting F1 race that I have seen in maybe 20 years. From start to finish I was absolutely glued to the TV. Every second of the race was exhilarating.

Now, was this because it was genuinely a brilliant race, or was it just that I was present and paying attention to what was going on and so I changed my own experience of the Grand Prix today?

What I have learnt today, and this is what I’m loving about recovery, is that I am learning all the time. Life is better than any addiction, drug or distraction I can think of.

Everything is feeling more and more real every day. I read a post a couple of days ago from Fueling Your Consciousness. I can totally relate to her words and experience to what is going on with me right now.

Because I am in recovery and because I am also attending and learning about codependency, I am becoming more and more aware of the choices I have. I could have powered up the laptop again today, sat in front of it and missed the whole day, again.

Today I chose to own my OCD and my addictions and so I have set myself a boundary that I will only write this post and do nothing more. Whatever needs doing, in terms of sorting out content and setting things up in an orderly manner, can wait until tomorrow.

I don’t need to work, I chose to work. When I forget that I have a choice I become lost in myself again and that’s a dangerous place to be in. Today might just have been another slight OCD tendency to work all the hours I have available, but if I’m not careful, that path will lead me right back to where I’ve just come from.

No thank you.

From now on I chose life. It’s the best addiction there is because you never need more of it, but when you want more, it’s just there in abundance. It’s the ultimate experience because it has no negative side affects. When I embrace life my life can never become unmanageable.

For today I am grateful for all that I am. For today I am whole.  For today I am at peace. Today felt like a rough day, but actually I have had a really, really good day 🙂

Peace be with you all. x

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