I feel empty. This is however, a very good thing, unlike when I use to feel empty when I was lost, depressed and alone. This empty is good and here’s why…
My brain/mind is highly analytical, probably because I suffer from low latent inhibition (LLI) and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). LLI means my brain doesn’t cope very well with repetitive normal stuff, let alone understanding new ideas and concepts. My obsessive mind needs to contemplate every possible angle of every possible scenario in every possible time period. Trust me, there has been a lot of noise in my head for most of my life.
Anyway, basically I think A LOT.
I’v been practising meditation for about 2 months now and I get it. I am now aware enough to know when I start to disappear back into The Matrix, so to speak, so I know when I need to spend a little extra time giving myself some extra HeadSpace.
Today, during my usual Monday night SAA meeting it was Stuart’s turn to do his Step 1 in front of this group. Because I had heard it before I knew mostly what to expect, so I relaxed, closed my eyes and focused just on the sound and words of Stuart as he spoke. I didn’t try and listen to what he was saying, I just heard what he was saying.
His Step 1 probably took about 30-35 minutes and I only drifted off 2-3 times for a couple of seconds during the whole time, each time, gently bringing my awareness back to my conscious-self.
When Stuart finished his Step 1 there was more silence than usual. There were some really good shares, but it wasn’t the usual bum fight to get to speak this week. Part of me really wanted to share something with Stuart because we are becoming good friends and I appreciate his honesty and courage as he begins to work the program. I could have just said that FFS lol
Thing was, I couldn’t think of a single thought. My mind was literally EMPTY! I was naturally calm and my mind was at total peace. I didn’t have to try to be calm or peaceful, I just was. I was completely in the moment and I remained in the moment for the remainder of the meeting. I actually tried to generate sabotaging thoughts to prove to myself that I still had thoughts, but nope, nothing.
I’ve done a fair amount of writing today and this may be partly responsible for my clear head this evening. I’ve literally brain dumped this stuff onto the interweb.
I know who I am and I am not what I think I am 🙂
I also had a huge Higher Power moment on the way to SAA.
I was asking the universe (the universe is my Higher Power) for advice regarding a friend, Ben that I have been talking to and emailing for a while now. We have known each other for a long time, but didn’t really know each other and haven’t seen each other for a long time either.
I was asking the universe if I was doing the right thing sharing my experiences with him about depression and co-dependency. I really like Ben, he’s a good chap and really wish him well with his recovery. The co-dependent in me accepts that I can’t ‘make him better’, but I can help illuminate the path for him. It’s up to him as to whether he chooses to walk the path or not.
At that moment, Martin phoned me from his holiday simply to thank me for some of the content that I had shared with him from this journal. He said how much it had made sense to him and how he could personally relate to what I was describing.
Unless you’ve suffered from depression, sex addiction and co-dependency it can be very difficult to relate to people about what our minds go through. Martin was just the person that I needed to speak to at that moment, as we both have a lot in common.
At that moment I felt that Martin was the manifestation of my Higher Power. He gave me the answer that I needed.
I’m very much looking forward to discussing the phone call experience with him in person when he gets back, to see if there was anything ‘memorable’ or ‘unusual’ about that particular phone call, from his perspective.
I’m not saying that Martin is my Higher Power, I’m just saying that I’m open to the possibility that at that moment my Higher Power spoke to me through him.
- Why did he call at that moment?
- What was his motivation at that moment?
- How did he feel at that moment?
The idea of actually being able to have a conversation with the manifestation of my Higher Power about the whole experience is rather intriguing to say the least.
I had never felt better than I did yesterday until I got to the end of today. I can honestly say that I have never felt better.
Because awareness and positivity are both accumulative, every day can literally be the best day of my life, for the rest of my life. Isn’t that a nice thought to end on today 🙂
Fuck addiction. I never felt this good when I was pissed, looking at porn, smoking or stuffing my face with sugar.
The beauty of being addicted to life is that I don’t need more of it. Simply being present and aware and connected to my conscious-self is fulfilment enough.
Today has been a good day! Peace be with you all.