JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 27 June 2015

Well, it’s official. I suffer with codependency.

Hi, I’m Dan and I’m co-dependent.

I made the effort to get up early this morning, well more like on time, but early for me at the moment, and went to my first local Co-DA meeting.

I’ve had my suspicions that I am co-dependent for some time, but I’ve never really known enough about it to be able to say with any certainty that I am for sure.

One thing that I think has always been in my favour is my ability to keep an open mind.

As I sat there at the beginning of the meeting and we started to read the introductions etc. I could relate to every single line on the pages. The more I listened throughout the meeting the more I realised that this is the root cause of everything.

I came home and decided to start reading one of the books I had been recommended about facing codependency. I am home. I have found the root cause of everything.

As a co-dependent, I didn’t know who I was and I couldn’t connect with my own reality, so I manifested my reality through others:

  • I was motivated to do things in the service of others, never for the service of myself
  • I had no self worth or self-esteem and constantly struggled to justify my own existence
  • Nothing I did was ever good enough. Even when I did something that I thought was ‘perfect’ I knew I could do better next time
  • For my entire adult life I have been unaware that I had my own needs and wants

In a nutshell I lived my life for others and put their needs and wants first.

Because I could never find solace or lasting peace from trying to ‘fix’ others I was always left wanting. Because my self-esteem was based on external factors I developed what we called ‘other-esteem’. When the external factors didn’t go as planned or disappeared completely, I was left feeling empty, numb and void.

These feelings would trigger my addictions to manifest themselves as they did and left unchecked I would progressively become more and more depressed.

I was in a constant state of depression because I had no self-esteem or self worth of my own, but on occasions I would get huge highs because I was feeling fulfilled from the service I was providing for others. In essence I had a noble cause that gave my life purpose. These highs and lows were what I was later to be diagnosed as bi-polar 2. I’m not bi-polar but I experienced bi-polar tendencies because I couldn’t live a life of moderation. Occasionally I would have extreme highs that I would call mania, but looking back now, these were just periods of so called ‘freedom’ as I experienced myself for the first few times. I was actually motivated to do things for myself, but because I wasn’t aware of what had changed in my perception of reality, I couldn’t maintain that awareness. When it went, so did all my self worth… again. This was actually just another form of delusion because I wasn’t consciously aware of it.

I don’t, as yet, have any answers, but I now know which questions I’m supposed to ask. It feels like I’ve been pissing in the wind for the last 5 years, aimlessly searching for something, only to find that the thing I was looking for wasn’t out there. It was in here all the time!

There was a hole in my soul and I tried to fill it with ‘stuff’ rather than accept it was actually my conscious-self. I was in denial and I was living a life based on a delusion.

Peace be with you all.

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5 Replies to “JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 27 June 2015”

      1. I will support anyone who makes a firm commitment to wellness, no matter how many times they stumble on the way. The act of getting up is most important. It’s really good to have friends who will not let you get away with it. Tearing yourself away from people who will take advantage of you is hard but at the end of this journey you will be a whole person. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And for that kindness I shall now annoy you with this challenge, sorry in advance, that’s my co-dependent speaking, as I don’t want to upset you lol

        I have nominated you for the ‘3 Days, 3 Quotes’ Challenge and hope you’ll accept my nomination. Check out my post “3 Days, 3 Quotes Challenge : Day 1” for more information on this Challenge. x

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I just posted on my blog last night about the sudden challenge nomination issue. Come over and have a read? Then let me know what you think. I’d also turned down the same challenge from my besties so they’ll totally kill me. x SB

        Liked by 1 person

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