I’m cured! I’ve figured it out. I’m no longer an addict!
I’m quietly confident that I’ve sussed this whole mental illness and addiction business.
Essentially I have come to realise that my conscious self and my thoughts are in fact two completely different things.
I can’t explain consciousness, but I am aware that I am conscious. I can explain my thoughts. I see my thoughts. I am NOT my thoughts.
I would be really, really interested in some feedback on this one.
My conscious self is always present and in this moment. This moment is the only thing that exists. Everything else is either the past or the future, which is the mind. When I used to think I was present and in the moment, I would in fact be thinking I was present and would hold onto that thought, which would instantly become the past and I’d then wake up again and realised that I hadn’t been present.
Eckhart Tolle gets it and wrote a book about it, called The Power of Now. You don’t need to read the book, the clue is in the title.
I’ve been practising mindfulness and meditation for the last 36 days and a few synchronistic clues over the last 24 hours have finally made all the pieces just click. I now know there is a clear and definitive difference between my conscious self (my spirit, my sole, my higher power, universal consciousness, God, synchronicity etc. call it whatever you want) and my thoughts (my brain, my mind).
I am my conscious self. I am not my thoughts. I witness my thoughts. I am not my thoughts. My addictions and mental illnesses are that of the mind, not the conscious self. The problem with these illnesses is that they make the conscious self believe that the mind is in control and running the show. WRONG! My conscious self simply observes the mind and uses it as a storage and processing until, just like we humans use computers.
I can love the conscious me, no questions asked, because the conscious me only ever exists in this moment. There is no judgement, there is no fear, there is no resentment, there is just peace.
My mind can think whatever it likes. My mind can get mad, my mind can hate me, my mind can feel like acting out, my mind can feel lonely. I now have the power to simply witness my mind thinking all these things. I am not my mind. I am simply me and me is my conscious self.
My mind has issues and has been ill. My mind has tried to cope with these illnesses by running away from the pain and fear using addictive thoughts and behaviours. My conscious self can never be an addict because it is only ever present. It never wants for anything. It never needs anything. It just… is.
I don’t know if any of this is making any sense to any else who is reading this, but it makes perfect sense to me. Please leave comments or get in touch if any of what I’m saying is making any sense whatsoever and please feel free to share any of this to anyone else who you think might get it.
Perhaps this is the one thing that can change everything?
I feel enlightened. I have achieved enlightenment. I am present. I am at peace.
I can’t change the world, I can only be the change that I want to see in the world – Mahatma Gandhi (with a slight twist from me)
Peace be with you all.
I will just caveat this post by saying that part of my mental illness history is suffering from delusions, which is why I’m so keen on any and all feedback.