JOURNAL ENTRY: Saturday 20 June 2015

I was kind of planning on going into London today for the anti-austerity demonstrations, but a friend earlier in the week make a good point that large crowds might not be the best thing for an introvert recovering from depression and addiction, so I decided to join them in spirit only.

I’ve had an urge to act out today. I think it is to do with my dream last night. There was also a lot of sexual frustration in it and I’ve been craving naked flesh for a lot of today. I don’t feel like I want to act out, it’s more of a feeling that I need to act out in order to satisfy my desire.

I think I’m OK though. I’ll just keep saying the serenity prayer and being mindful of my thoughts and emotions.

One other reason could also be because of boredom. I’m starting to crave human contact again. I don’t mean in the sexual way that I was just talking about, I mean in terms of being with people and just sharing time together.

I’m starting to enjoy actually doing things again, which is something that I haven’t really felt in over 20 years and I kind of want more of it. I want to do stuff and I’m fed up of doing stuff on my own. I’ve been doing stuff on my own for ages and even when I used to do it with people, I never really appreciated it because I wasn’t present and I wasn’t connected to them.

I think I feel lonely. I don’t feel alone. I just feel lonely.

Part of me wants to sign up to a dating site and just advertise myself as a recovering sex addict looking for platonic friendships, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough at the moment to resist any urges or advances.

Maybe now is the time to start stepping up on the number of fellowships that I go to. I’ve been doing between 1-3 a week and I could easily do more.

A couple of weeks ago I had overcome my state of restlessness and was happy to be still, when all of a sudden the universe gave me a gentle push, as if it was saying… ‘go on, get a move on’. After the last couple of weeks of being active, I find that now I’m stationary again I’m struggling to deal with it. I guess this is another one of my Higher Power moments, where I’m being tested. I do love to get over confident and think I can take on the worlds problems, only to find that I can’t, and then suffer the consequences. It’s like this time the universe is really, really, really making sure that I’m ready to take the next steps forwards and to make sure that I pick the right path to walk for the right reason.

Today’s not been a bad day really. I watched the final England v New Zealand ODI on TV today as well as the Austrian Grand Prix qualifying. It’s been a chilled and relaxing day, but I’ve yearned for more.

I feel like I’m loosing my connection with synchronicity and that happens when I don’t have anything to do and I sit on my arse for too long. Oh well. At least I’ve arranged to meet Ben tomorrow and go for a walk. That should be nice to get out of the house and to catch up with him.

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