JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 16 June 2015

Today hasn’t been a bad day, but it’s not felt that great either. I think this happens when I get over excited and start to think that I’m all fixed etc. and then I have a therapy session. I then realise, once again, why I’m sat in that chair.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a totally valuable experience and something that I need reminding of in order to keep me grounded. It’s just not something that I like feeling at the time. I kind of feel like some of my hot air has been taken out of me today. This will obviously benefit me in the long run and I’m mindful of the lessons I’m learning from today.

I’ve done my normal routine, only had 2 coffees and eaten sensibly and well, but I do feel tired again.

I woke up at about 06:00 after having a rather strange dream. At first I thought I had wet myself, which isn’t something that hasn’t happened in a very long time, especially when sober. On first inspection I was dry but I soon developed a wet patch.

Yep, I was having my first wet dream since my abstinence began. To be honest I’m surprised it’s taken 5 weeks, as there have been a few close calls in terms of sex dreams over the last few weeks. Today’s dream wasn’t even erotic, it was more like an acceptance, friendly and loving dream. There was actually no sex or nudity going on in the dream, which was why I woke up confused.

One part of me wanted to open the laptop up and look at some porn and compulsively masturbate, whilst the other part of me knew that that wasn’t the answer and that it would probably lead to bigger problems throughout the day. I just got my one month chip for crying out load, I’m not about to blow it just like that.

Because I didn’t act out, part of me has been obsessing over it today in the back of my mind. I’ve meditated, and that’s helped a lot, but I’ve just felt a little uneasy today.

I was hoping to talk to Tom about it this morning, but I’ve had a couple of text from him today and he’s not in a good place, so we haven’t spoken.

I also got a text from Jodie saying that she is a bit zombied out and anxious at the moment and not in a good place either.

I think the realisation that just because I may be slowly getting better, doesn’t automatically mean I can then fix everyone else. I really feel for both Tom and Jodie today, as I know how horrible it is to be in a depressive state. I can only keep them in my prayers and keep sending them my positive energy.

I need to make sure that I’m looking after me too. Maybe today has been a good day because it’s given me some time and space to process what’s been going on. After all, I am a shy introvert at heart and I do need my inner space in order to make sense of the world. If I talk too much or spend too much time distracted and away from myself then I become detached and not very well.

I’m at the cricket tomorrow, so I’m going to try and get an early night.

Peace be with you.

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