JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 14 June 2015

I’m going to admit straight off the bat that I’m writing today’s journal entry the following morning.

This is because I had another tired day or recovery day, as I’m starting to call them. It was actually a good day. I woke up relatively early, about 08:30, showered, ate, read my daily affirmations and meditated, but by 21:30 I was ready for bed.

I knew it was wrong before I’d even finished doing it, but rather than make a single cup of coffee, I put a whole pot on. I didn’t want to drink any coffee and really struggled to force down a single cup. I realised afterwards that I was feeling worse after drinking it than I was before I had had the coffee. This is my red light for addictive behaviour. You think it is the answer, but when it doesn’t work it’s not because it’s the wrong thing to do, but because I haven’t done enough of it. That right there is the madness of addiction.

Recognising this and recognising that my body is also suffering from low blood sugar levels, from the fasting the day before, I chose to eat a chicken wrap, rather than think that more coffee would be the answer. In the past, I would have probably thought that I needed a stronger, syrupy, sugary, latte to get me going. And if one didn’t work, then just keep drinking them.

WRONG.

The previous day I had drank too much coffee and not enough water. I didn’t deliberately set out to fast, but it kind of just turned into a fasting day. I felt really good about it and I’m in no way saying that it was the fasting that caused me to feel tired today. It was, without a shadow of a doubt, because I didn’t drink enough water. I seem to suffer with more extreme dehydration at the moment, which may be related to the 60mg of daily Fluoxetine. I’ve always suffered from dehydration, but it seems to be much worse recently. Maybe coming off the alcohol is also having an affect. Either way, I need to be more mindful of it.

Previously I could drink a pint of water and the feeling of tiredness would be gone within 20-30 minutes and I’d be alert and vibrant again. At the moment my dehydration does seem to creep up on me and then whack me in the face and knock me out for a day or two.

So after my coffee yesterday morning, I felt worse, so like I said I made some food and took myself off to bed to lie down, watch TV, rest and recover and a non judgemental way.

Ironically I had no bottled water in the house, which I see as my Higher Power testing me. So it meant that every time I wanted a drink I had to go downstairs and get a glass of water. This kept me aware of how I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I knew I felt knackered, but I also knew that I wasn’t going to the toilet very often and so I needed to keep taking on water, so I kept re-filling my glass and drinking every so often.

This morning I feel as right as rain again, so it’s too much of a coincidence to just be coincidence.

Lessons Learned:

My point is, as an addict, I have to remember that one of my blind spots is my inability to recognise that I have had enough. Weather that is alcohol, pornography, sex, masturbating, food, sugar, caffeine or even sleep, me and my off button become separated and that is when the damage gets done and my life slowly, or quickly, becomes unmanageable.

There is nothing wrong with anything, in moderation. I would even go so far as to say that if you can do class A drugs in moderation then crack on, no pun intended. The reason we have laws and these substances are prohibited, is because research shows that, more often than not, they cannot be done in moderation and thus the consequences lead to our lives becoming unmanageable.

A healthy sex life is a good thing. Looking at and appreciating a beautiful, sometimes naked woman, for me, in moderation, is a pleasure and reminds me of what it is like to be a male. The occasional beer or glass of wine, to savour the flavour, is a pleasant experience. Coffee is something that I enjoy the flavour of and the little or big lift it can give me.

All of the above are good, pleasant and pleasurable experiences, when done in the right way, for the right reason and when done in moderation.

My advice to anyone currently suffering from any sort of addiction, is to just be mindful. Anything that can change how we feel has the potential to become something that we overindulge in and that has the potential to lead us to places that we know is eventually going to make our lives unmanageable.

The only thing I consciously allow myself to be addicted to is life. I am and always will be an addict so chose to focus my addiction on living and on life. Because this addiction leads me to a positive experience everyday, that is also accumulative, as in every day is better, because I have more and more good days behind me, I don’t really see how I can’t lose.

I am an addict for life and I’m loving it.

Oh yeah, one other thing, as I viewed today as a good day, that does mean I am now 1 week free from feelings of depressive illness and for that and my continued recovery, I am truly grateful.

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