JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 12 June 2015

On the whole today has been a pretty great day. I woke up about 08:30 but was feeling tired, as I’m only really getting 2-3 hours sleep a night. I decided to lie in bed for a while and listen to the radio, this then progressed to watching streaming TV. I didn’t eat until about 13:00, when I decided that I wasn’t going to fast and really should eat. I watched a bit more TV and then had a couple of phone calls.

I decided to meet up with Tom and we had a really lovely afternoon talking over coffee about our addictions and depression. I really relate to Tom and I’m finding that it’s mutually beneficial us talking and spending time together.

This evening I went to my local AA meeting. I shared about my couple of months in the rooms and how great life is becoming the more sobriety I get. On the walk there this evening, I was thinking about something that Rich had said to me a week earlier, when I called out for the first time. He basically said that he was (potentially) addicted to anything that could alter his mood. I totally related to that. Whether it was smoking, drinking, sex, food, sugar, caffeine, anything that could make me feel a bit better, I’d like it. I feel like I need to accept that I am an addict and I always will be an addict, for the rest of my life.

At the moment I’m just high on life and I’m loving it. The promises are coming true and it feels like the more sober I get the more I want to stay sober because life was never this good when I was using my addictions. I came up with the following, on the way to AA this evening and I like the clever play on words:

I’m an addict for life and I’m loving it!

Rather than disown my addictive tendencies, I’m choosing to accept that I feel good right now and that this feeling of freedom from addiction is addictive.

I’m high on life and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

How do I maintain this feeling? By not using my addictive behaviours and remaining true and honest with myself.

Now that my life has been turned over to my higher power, synchronicity, god, universal consciousness call it what you will, I am free. I’m concentrating on the now in order to live a happy and healthy future.

Just achieving inner piece in this moment, is incredibly powerful because you are aware and able to make informed choices. The right choices, for the right reason.

That said, after AA this evening I met Anoop and Dave in the local pub to celebrate Anoop’s leaving do. The few people that I told kind of laughed, thinking it was funny to be going straight to the pub after AA. I could see their point, but I had confidence in myself that I would be OK. I know why I drink now and so I am no longer powerless over alcohol, as long as I don’t have any. Like we say, ‘It’s the first drink that does the damage’.

It wasn’t the alcohol that I found to be a problem this evening, it was all the beautiful women. I must admit, I don’t get out that much and certainly haven’t been socialising in any popular or lively venues recently. I see women all the time during the day and I’m becoming more and more mindful of my bottom line behaviours of objectification and wilful entertainment of fantasy. This evening was different, because it was the first time I was aware of my thoughts in a situation where women are dressing to impress.

I tried really hard to remain present and to focus on the conversations I was having with Anoop and Dave, but it was really tough. I found myself drifting off on occasions into fantasy and that familiar feeling of want and desire quickly returned.

I’ve controlled myself and have controlled any urges to entertain my fantasies as I know that will lead me to watching porn and masturbating.

I chalked up another clean and sober day because I want it and I know if I put my mind to it, I can achieve anything.

I’m an addict for life and I’m loving it.

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