JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 11 June 2015

Today has been a really, really good day. I would even go so far as to say it has been a great day.

The shift in my daily intention and my perception of reality is making a huge difference to my daily life. I am once again feeling the awe and mystery of life and the magic of consciousness.

Call it whatever you like, higher power, synchronicity, god, universal consciousness or simply life, whatever it is I’m feeling the effects of it more and more everyday. I feel like I’m waking up from a long, long sleep and I’m alive again.

I felt something similar to this about 5 years ago, but I couldn’t explain it at the time. Later on I have come to recognise that it was a euphoric high caused by the end of my tragic and damaging long term relationship and the feeling of freedom. It lasted about 3-4 months before I fell into serve depression again.

This time it hasn’t happened overnight. I’ve been dedicated to the task of self improvement and bettering myself for almost a year. It’s been tough and some days and weeks have felt like I haven’t made any progress at all. In fact, sometimes it has felt like I’ve been going backwards or getting worse. OK, so this awesome feeling of being alive has pretty much happened overnight, but I now know why. I know why because I’m starting to get to know myself and most importantly of all, I’m being honest with myself.

This honesty is allowing me to feel what is right for me and to make decisions that are actually in my own best interests, whilst also being mindful of how my actions may affect others.

Today for example, woke up, didn’t feel too much like getting up right away because I’m not getting a huge amount of sleep at night, but still feeling energised when I do wake up. I lay in bed listening to the radio for a while and then made breakfast, so that I ate within an hour of waking. I watched some 80’s TV in bed and then got up, showered and dressed. I then received a work related call and had to pop into the office to give the keys over to the property manager.

I actually had a genuine and real experience with that chap and I thought, rather than trying to avoid him, like I would of done a few months ago, I did the right thing and met him with a smile on my face and an open mind. He was a lovely guy and even though we were only speaking for 5 minutes or so, I felt a genuine human connection and it made me feel really good about myself and being alive.

I then did some shopping and as I started to walk home I got a call from Phil, who works in the same building as me and also goes to the same AA meetings as me. Again, I felt like I had an instant connection with him, which I hadn’t had before. He said he was going to a lunch time AA meeting and asked if I wanted to go with him. I accepted and he picked me up.

We talked like old friends all the way to the meeting, sharing experiences and our understanding of life and I was starting to get a little ‘high’ on life.

The lady who gave the chair at the meeting had been sober for 26 years and at 58 she had just completed her degree that she started 3 years ago. Her story and some of the other shares were exactly what I needed to hear right there and then. They made me realise why I was feeling the way I was, but more importantly I learnt what I need to do to maintain it.

Last time, 5 years ago, I felt invincible, like I could achieve and do anything that I wanted. I was full of self belief, confidence, trust and faith in myself, everyone else and the universe as a whole. The problem was I wasn’t aware of my character defects, such as smoking, drinking and sexual thoughts and behaviours. Even though I was feeling awesome, my addictions were still there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for that moment when something went wrong and I couldn’t cope and turned to them for the answer.

Today when I got home, I realised that I was buzzing on life. I was high and I was loving it. Usually at this point fear would kick in. Fear that the feeling wouldn’t last and I would become lost again without it. Sooner or later the feeling would go because I would either try to hard to hold onto it or drink or act out in order to make the high even better. Once that false high had gone my natural high would quickly vanish.

Today however, I did something different and unexpected.

I accepted and acknowledged that I felt high and gently lowered myself back down towards the middle. I accepted that I had had a fantastic day so far, but I was now a bit tired. It was about 15:30 and I still hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. My body needed food and rest. I listened to my body and had a drink of water, made some food and then lay down on the sofa and relaxed for a while. I them felt the need to read in bed, which I knew would turn into a snooze, but I just went with it. It’s not 01:00 in the morning and I’m still feeling OK. This is a good thing!

My usual behaviour would have been to keep going and to get higher and to need more and more of whatever was making me high. My overconfidence in my abilities to sustain myself both physically and mentally is another of my blind spots or character defects.

Even though I didn’t meditate today, I have spent the day being mindful and it’s starting to pay off.

Tomorrow is another day with another opportunity for greatness. I am grateful for my experiences today and I’m thankful that I am able to see, acknowledge and accept for what they are and then let them go without fear or regret.

I can achieve or do anything I want with my life for as long as I don’t drink.

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