JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 08 June 2015

What a contradiction from yesterday. Today I’ve felt pretty normal, calm, collected and mostly in control, whereas yesterday I was all over the place. I was ready to drink, I wanted to look at porn, I hated myself, I was lost and confused. Today has been a complete turn around.

I had a telephone interview for a job that I didn’t really want this morning, so when the interview ended I wasn’t sure whether I was p1ssed off because they hadn’t offered it to me or relieved that I hadn’t had to talk my way out of an awkward situation. If they had offered me the job I would probably have accepted it so that I didn’t make them feel bad. I mean WTF is that all about. Grow a pair man and do what you want and not what pleases everyone else!

After that I couldn’t stay in the house and dwell on it or I would have spiralled down into paralysis from analysis. I booked a cinema ticket and took myself out for a big screen distraction. I didn’t know how I was feeling and kind of felt a bit shitty and confused, even though everything had worked out pretty much as I wanted it to. I think it was my ego getting in the way of things and not wanting to accept rejection or the fact that they thought I wasn’t right for the job. I am ficken amazing after all lol.

I know I’m not ready to go back to work yet, one clue is sleeping for 48 hours at a time. I can’t get a job and then take days off to sleep and I currently have no control over my sleep patterns, I’m just going with the flow. One other major factor is that I have no idea what I actually want to do. I know what I don’t want to do, but not what I do want to do. I want to spend more time understanding myself before I chuck the old work mask back over my face. I’d rather not have to put a mask on at all and that means I need to spend more time with myself until I know who I am.

I really felt like sharing at my SAA meeting today. We had a chair and it was really good to hear A’s story. What I wanted to share tonight, but didn’t, was this:

I haven’t always hated myself, but I can’t remember when I stopped loving myself. My therapist pointed out to me last week that we all have a blind spot and she pointed out that my blind spot was not admitting that I need people in my life and not letting people into my life. I’m starting to understand what she means.

Something has flipped in me today and it also happened early last week too. It’s like a switch has been flipped and just like the Dan of old, I once again want to be the best possible version of myself.

The difference is that this time I know how I need to achieve it. It’s not dieting (on my own). It’s not bulking out down the gym (on my own). It’s not expanding my mind through reading books and listening to music (on my own). It’s not watching movies and forgetting about my troubles (on my own). Yeah, I’m going to do all of the above but I want to do it with people.

I have a genuine desire today, and this may not last for long, but I want to share experiences with people. I’m starting to experience feelings again, both positive and negative and I want to explore and share these experiences with others.

I feel like I’ve stepped into a bigger and brighter world and it’s a bit overwhelming but I’m excited at the possibilities. It’s because of the power of this room. It because of the people in this room that my mind is beginning to open up to new possibilities.

I know that this is only a small step and that I may have to take two steps back again before I take another one forward, but I’m grateful to everyone in the room and everyone who’s shared their number with me and who will over time share their number and their support and strength with me.

There is something amazing about shared human connections and to begin to feel those again makes me grateful to be alive. Thanks, it’s good to be here.

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