JOURNAL ENTRY: Sunday 07 June 2015

Today has been the toughest day so far. I’ve lacked any real motivation from the moment I’ve woken up. I’ve had really bad cravings to eat crappy food for most of the day. I’ve really wanted to drink a few beers, or more, all afternoon. I had an massive urge to look at porn and to act out.

Somehow, I’ve managed to avoid doing all of these things but it’s been %$&*ing tough.

I’ve felt restless because I’ve rested so much over the last two days, but I didn’t want to go outside. I’ve sat staring at my laptop screen for hours, trying to write, but my mind was a blank as the page in front of me. I’ve had a really bad head space day. My mind has felt like mush the whole day.

Today I felt like I was a little too close to reality and I think it freaked me out a bit. The only way I could describe today was that it felt like a ‘normal’ day should feel, yet it freaked me right out and I’ve had a really shite day because of it.

I’m not sure if it’s the effect of the Olanzapine from yesterday. Usually they help clear my head and reduce the anxiety, but today my mind has just felt foggy and grey. It could be low blood sugar levels because I have been so inactive the last couple of days and I haven’t eaten many calories, but today felt like a pointless and depressive day again.

I’m pleased that I’ve got to the end of it and I’ve kept a clean sheet, but crikey it’s been a long, hard day. I’ve completed my normal routine of shower, dress, eat, read and meditate, but even that didn’t help much today and was an effort to force myself to do those things.

I’m starting to understand what strength and mental discipline are again. It’s easy when everything is going well, but remaining true to yourself when you become your own worst enemy is flippin’ hard.

No wonder I was such a mess. The first sign of trouble and I would be forgetting myself in a bottle of something and indulging in sexual fantasising and acting out.

With only a few more days to go before I hit my first month of sobriety, I’m starting to understand that this isn’t as easy as I think it is. Maybe I should have called out again today, I don’t know. Part of me feels like I’ve got to experience these things and come through them on my own so that I know that I can do it. There was more than several occasions where I’d convinced myself that a few beers wouldn’t harm anyone, but I realise that if I keep using alcohol instead of acknowledging and accepting my fear and my pain, nothing is going to change.

Serenity prayer, serenity prayer, serenity prayer…

One step at a time, one day at a time.

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