JOURNAL ENTRY: Friday 05 June 2015

Today has turned into another sleep and fast day. I’ve not eaten anything the entire day and I’ve only got out of bed 4-5 times to go to the toilet.

I had no intention for today to be like it was. I’ve just felt really tired and I’ve been unable to do anything productive. I’ve watched a bit of 80’s TV and streamed some online TV, I’ve read a little bit too and listened to some audio books but I’ve always ended up feeling sleepy and have nodded off to sleep for a couple of hours.

There has been some compulsion to act out and to drink today but I’ve acknowledged them for what they are. I’m not feeling hugely positive today and I think it’s just the habit of mood adjustment playing out again. I knew that acting out would make me feel more awake and alert for a while and take away the feeling of restlessness, whereas drinking would have taken me out of my low state, temporarily.

Fasting today was easier than it was last Wednesday. I started to feel hungry at about 18:00 but I fell asleep for a few hours and when I woke back up my hunger was gone.

My body has felt absolutely shattered today. I’ve felt like I’ve started to relax. For some reason my body seems to be in a constant state of tension, but I’m mostly unaware of it. My shoulders are tense, my first are clenched, my whole body is tense. Today, lying in bed again, I’ve been able to let go of that tensing and experience what it feels like to be relaxed. Each time I relaxed I felt my body and my mind go ahhhh, and I’d drift back off into a deep sleep.

I must admit I haven’t been sleeping much the last week or so. I think I’ve been averaging 3-5 hours a night and it’s mostly been light sleeping. I haven’t slept or napped during the days either. I have become some what obsessive about blogging and I wonder if I’ve just been pushing myself a bit too much recently.

As my therapist kept telling me earlier in the week, I’m changing a lot of things in my life at the moment and they are pretty fundamental to who I am. I wonder if days like today are my bodies way of saying ‘I need a while to just shut down and process these changes, both physically and mentally’.

Either way, whilst I can take this time to rest and recover, I’m not going to beat myself up for doing nothing.

I may not have eaten or showered today but I did manage to do my readings and meditate. It was quite a challenge to meditate today, as there was a lot of noise and distraction inside my head, but it helped.

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