JOURNAL ENTRY: Thursday 04 June 2015

Earlier today I posted about how I feel like I’m beginning to feel again. I was kinda hoping that writing that down was going to help me feel better in some way. In some ways it did but I was still feeling really ugly inside.

Even though I came home after my outing this morning, I ate breakfast as soon as I got in, I did my readings, I meditated and then jumped in the shower and got dressed before picking up the laptop to start writing.

I had done everything that I have been doing for the last 4 days, but today I couldn’t control what was going on in my head again. I didn’t know what to do. I was feeling angry, restless and most of all, alone… again. Always %$*&ing alone!

This is the problem, as I wrote about in my post about how we all have a blind spot. When I’m in a good place I go back to my usual, conditioned way of thinking, which is that I don’t need anyone.

I am OK.

I will be OK.

The problem is, I don’t have control over my moods and emotions at the moments so today I felt a bit like my niece when she starts crying for no apparent reason. When we first experience emotions it can freak us out. I’m almost certain that my parents didn’t connect with me in a way where they ever explained what I was feeling when I was a small child. I don’t blame them at all, you can only do what you know and they only knew what they learnt from their parents and so on and so on.

Because I didn’t get that reassurance I needed when I was little I’ve had to learn to self sooth. Problem is I didn’t learn to self sooth. I learnt to suppress and then to self medicate. My medication has always been fantasy and sexual fantasy.

So, like I was saying, when I’m good, everything is OK. Only it isn’t. I’m not building bridges and connecting with people, so when I feel shite again, nothing has actually changed and I’m still %$*&ing alone.

This is where I impressed myself today. I actually realised that I needed a friend who would listen, understand and just care enough to be there on the end of the phone.

I grabbed my phone and before I had chance to give it any thought, I dialled a recovery buddies number. He was great. He was so understanding, because he himself had been there at one point, making that first phone call and the connection and power that I got from our little 20 minutes mini SAA meeting really healed me.

After 30 seconds that old feeling of dread and despair that I had in my chest started to subside. By the end of the call I had gone from feeling anger and rage to feeling… well I’m not really sure what I was feeling, but it felt like I was welling up inside and that I wanted to cry happy tears.

He told me that he loved me and I think that may have been it. I felt loved by someone. I let myself be loved by someone. A guy, someone who I only know by his first name, but it was enough and it was all that I needed in that moment to get me through the rest of the day.

I then received a text from another recovery buddy, which also helped immensely and again told me just what I needed to know, which was to listen to meaning of the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I then got a call from a old friend that I’d been thinking about of the last few days and wondering whether to phone him today. Synchronisity in action again?

And had a call with another old friend.

I am really starting to believe that if you put your faith in the universe and let it guide you to what you need, the answers will automatically manifest themselves.

I may not have had a great day but today I was not alone. Progress not perfection.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

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