It’s easy to be strong when I feel strong but it takes courage to be strong when I’m feeling weak, lost and confused.
I’ve had a good few days and there have been some synchronistic clues that I’ve recognised too.
I’m starting to wonder if synchronisity is the universes way of forcing us to acknowledge the reality which we continue to ignore.
On Monday my last employee resigned not 1 hour after I had tempted fate in a text message to another friend. I saw this as a sign that it was finally time for me to acknowledge that a chapter in my life was coming to a close and that I need to formally wind down my business. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, so I’m still feeling very reluctant to jump straight into something.
I spoke to my friend/colleague, who had resigned, on Tuesday evening and I completely understood their reasons for wanting to move on. I accepted their decision with an honest integrity and accepted that it is now my turn to do what is right for me.
Ironically, yesterday I received an email from a company that I have previously done some consulting for. They are interested in offing me a position and have asked me to do a telephone interview with them on Monday, so they can explain more about the role. It’s like one door is closing and other door is opening.
When I saw my colleague on Tuesday, he asked me if I could contact the agent he has been working through and let him know that he would be terminating him contract. I sent the email yesterday. The agent came back and ask ‘why he was leaving?’ I sent a short, blunt answer. His reply was to accuse me of being unprofessional in my response. After a few emails back and forth I realised that I was just being a rude, impolite, unfriendly and unprofessional tw@t. I tried to shrug it off and blame it on him, but by the time I arrived at my SAA meeting last night I had acknowledged that I needed to do a quick step 10 and apologies to the chap, so I did. I felt instantly better for recognising my wrong, accepting it and apologising for it. He had done nothing wrong and didn’t deserve my short temper.
This morning I had to be in my office at 08:30 to let the furniture collection guys in from the charity store, so they could remove the last of my office/home furniture. When they told me that they couldn’t take 3 of the items because they were slightly damaged I felt a huge sense of outrage and anger suddenly come over me. I felt like they were doing it on purpose because they either couldn’t be arsed to lift the heavier items down the stairs or because they were just trying to p1ss me off.
I instantly associated that same feeling with what had happened the previous day with the agent. I was automatically hitting my f*ck it button and I sent myself into some kind of mental, self destructive meltdown, all within a matter of seconds. All the feelings of wanting to run away and hide and get away from myself and punish myself came flooding back. I tried to remain calm and just continue to breath, slowly the rage and destructive feelings subsided, but it has made me realise that I’m nowhere near as ready for the world as I thought I was.
When I feel good, I feel strong and it’s easy. I feel calm and it’s easy. I’m feel mindful and it’s easy. I feel aware and it’s easy.
When something doesn’t go quite to plan… f*ck me does it all go to rat sh1t in an instant. I know why the trigger happens and where it’s coming from, yet I’m powerless, for a while, over my emotional state and my brain loses control. It’s a scary feeling.
I think these couple of incidents over the last two days have been further clues for me. Yes, the universe is telling me that I need to close my business down, but I think it’s also testing me. It’s creating an opportunity, that I don’t really want, to see how I will react. Will I jump because I am seeing everything as a synchronistic sign again or do I just recognise them for the things that I need to do. I think the universe has a way of telling us what we need to do, but leaves what we want to do down to us.
It think that’s free will and fatalism in harmony. It’s a bit like quantum reality, in that a proton is both a particle and a wave until we decide to observe it. Then our choice to observe it as either a particle or a wave affects the outcome.
Synchronistic clues are just that, clues. We determine if it is something that we need to do or something that we want to do.
How do we know the difference? I think we feel the difference.
A person suffering from addiction or depression loses their ability to feel. I certainly became numb to everything. The only thing I could feel was the dopamine hit from acting out or from drinking. Nothing else matter and I didn’t care about anything else.
As my sobriety continues I am realising that I am starting to feel things again. I have been feeling good and so I have felt calm, peaceful and clear headed. However, I wasn’t quite ready for the opposite emotions.
Another clue was from yesterdays reading from Answers in the Heart:
It is an old and ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way. – Rollo May
This is what I witnessed today. As soon as I became lost in my emotions earlier on, my brain went into fight or flight mode and my body just wanted to run. Luckily being in the program has given me the awareness to remain still, when everything tells me to run again and guess what, I’m still OK.