I’m going to start this post saying:
- I want to get better and
- I want to be the best possible version of myself
I feel like this is important to say today because I am starting to realise that for a long, long time I have been making excuses and avoiding myself so that I could remain in a perpetual state of misery.
I’m almost three weeks clean and sober today. I’m taking 60mg of Fluoxetine (Prozac) everyday. I’m eating a healthy diet that avoids refined sugars wherever and whenever possible. I’m getting enough sleep and not too much sleep.
I feel OK. I am OK.
I’ve felt more amazingly high before than I do right now, but today I feel calm and peaceful.
I am able to recognise that I now want to get better. I want to be better.
My daily routine of showering, dressing, eating, reading then meditating is now 4 straight days in a row and I’m finding that waking up with just those intentions alone is enough to get me into the head space that I need to be in to make the best of my day.
However, no matter how good I’m feeling, I have to admit to myself and accept that I have a blind spot and will always have a blind spot.
A blind spot is a character defect that we cannot see for ourselves, no matter how hard we look.
I believe this is fundamentally why we have an inherent need to have other people in our lives. The universe knows that we have a blind spot. It intentionally gave us a blind spot. That ways, no matter how perfect we think we are on our own, we can never be the best possible version of ourself without having other people in our lives to help point out and overcome our blind spots.
No one person is perfect, but together we can help each other become the best possible versions of ourselves.
This is my blind spot. I am conditioned into thinking and believing that I am ‘alright’ on my own and that I don’t need anyone else.
The truth is, I do.
The challenge that I now have to overcome is to learn to reach out to people for no other reason than I need to. I’ve spent so long trapped in my own head, isolated from everyone and everything that I’ve forgotten how to connect with people. Even how to connect with events, hobbies, places and things so that life seems worth living.
This may well be a symptom of my addiction and the shame, guilt, manipulation and control that I used to enforce my will onto or my addiction may have come from my underlying fear and sense of aloneness?
After writing the above I instantly realised that my addiction comes from my underlying sense of fear and aloneness. It’s the disconnection from myself that I’ve been running from for all these years. Now that I’ve actually stopped running and started to accept me and my flaws I’m no longer alone.
Now that I am more at peace with myself, that doesn’t mean that I still don’t need other people in my life. I do. If I don’t embrace and connect with people then it is highly probably that I will end up drinking and acting out again at some point.
This is my blind spot:
I believe that I am ‘alright’ on my own and that I don’t need anyone else. I do.