JOURNAL ENTRY: Tuesday 02 June 2015

My daily intentions:

  1. I want to find inner peace and a spiritual connection with my concious self

  2. I want to heal myself and begin to enjoy the wonders of life again

  3. I want to be the best possible version of myself

  4. I want to connect with others and everything in the universe because I am the universe made manifest

At the moment I’m just concentrating on getting number 1 ticked off every day. If I can do that so that it becomes an unconscious and intuitive intention everyday, then number 2, I hope, will come automatically and lead me on to numbers 3 and 4.

The smallest change has actually made a huge difference to my day. Rather than spending an hour or so lying in bed reading the news on my phone and browsing social media, I’ve got straight up and got straight into the shower for the last 4 days in a row. I’m doing the same four things that I was trying to do last week, but couldn’t seem to manage it because I was doing them in a different order. It’s quite astonishing really how such a small change can have such a big difference.

Another small change that I’ve made that I’m noticing is slowly having a bigger and bigger positive impact on my mood and my day is my reluctance to eat any refined sugar. I’m happy to eat fruit, which has the natural sugars in it and in fact I found if I eat fruit after a meal it actually helps control my blood sugar levels better than waiting for my digestive system and insulin levels to normalise themselves.

I’m having almost no cravings for alcohol whatsoever. In fact I would go so far as to say that for the last few days I haven’t really thought about drinking alcohol at all. I was more than happy to drink lime and soda and diet soft drinks the last few times I’ve been out. There are, of course, the odd moments of weakness, but that’s in my head rather than my body and is far more manageable with simple mindfulness techniques.

My sex drive is also really low at the moment too. This could have something to do with the 60mg of Fluoxetine, as one of its side effects, but I’m also not really bothered about that either. I used to think that there was something wrong with me if I didn’t get horny during the day or at night, so I would almost force myself to look at porn and masturbate, just to make sure that everything was working and that I wasn’t missing out on any sexual opportunities.

Feeling calmer and more connected with myself is far more important to me at the moment than the idea of getting off my face drunk and/or entering back into my secret world of porn and fantasy. Just for today I am glad that I have found peace and the strength to acknowledge and accept my addictions.

It was also my first therapy session in two weeks today too. I can honestly say that I felt really honest and present in todays session, something that I’ve really struggled to do in the past. I’m starting to see myself as the person that I always knew I was but was too afraid to let go of the past and step into the light and be. I know this feeling may not last but my ups and downs are slowly and finally starting to level out and with each dip there is a greater sense of clarity and certainty when I return to the middle ground.

I might even be so bold as to say that I’m starting to love myself. Now I haven’t thought that in a long, long time.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

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