JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 01 June 2015

Just as I’m starting to feel comfortable getting used to being still for a while the universe decides to give me a nudge up the backside.

In short, my financial situation has changed today and so I no longer have a choice about work. I have to complete some of the jobs that I have been putting off for ages and ages and it will probably mean that I end up properly winding my company down over the next month or so. I’ve had a few little clues over the past couple of weeks and today was the smack in the face that meant I just couldn’t ignore it any more.

My final member of staff decided to resign today and although I had tempted fate not 1 hour earlier in a text message to a friend, the actually news, when it arrived, was quite a shock. I almost instantly felt this sense of anger and auto-destruct come over me. The slightly less mindful me would have got really passive/aggressive inside, dwelled on it all all day, thought about who I was going to blame for this insult and would probably have ended up using alcohol as I pressed my ‘fuck it’ button and allowed myself to melt down.

Instead, I simply saw my anger in my mind. I was mindful of it. I embraced it. I accepted that these things happen, but that it wasn’t personal and within 2 minutes I had calmed down and refocused my attention on what I was doing again.

I remained in control the entire time.

As the day progressed I have accepted this news for what it is. A sign. A clue on what I need to achieve with my life right now. It is not a sign that says I immediately have to go out and find a job and get myself back to work. It is a sign that says, that door is now closing and it is time for you to vacate your seat and empty the room please.

I guess I have become a little complacent in allowing things to drag on and hang over my head. I believe that today is not about new beginnings but about finally finding some closure that I have, until now, been unwilling to acknowledge and accept.

On a completely different topic, I’ve been to my Monday SAA meeting tonight, which was a step (6) reading.

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I realised that I was sat there thinking ‘I don’t have any character flaws, I’m perfect, I don’t need to be here, I know what I’m doing, I just need to get on with my life, this is easy’.

WRONG!

Remember why you’re there in the first place dummy!!

The reason I’m feeling good is because I’ve not acted out in almost 3 weeks. I haven’t had a drink in almost 3 weeks. Both of these facts are in some way attributable to my attendance of SAA and AA. I’m going out at least once a week and meeting like minded people at these fellowships and because of that I’m also not feeling as depressed.

Note to self: Just keep going back and keep doing the things that are having a positive influence on me at the moment. Getting over excited at my small amount of progress is going to end in tears again because I am creating an expectation of myself that I won’t be able to live up to.

I am in recovery and recovery is done one step at a time, one day at a time.

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